Heavy Heart

Last night I went to bed with a heavy heart, something I do not do very often because I believe in dealing with emotions as they come along-but in this case I did not know how to deal with my feelings.

The last week has been a strange miriad of emotions, for instance: on Monday I washed my cell phone in the washing machine.... not something I did purposefully. It really urks me for numerous reasons, and usually I am able to find some sort of positive spin on situations - and yet something so simple has felt like a complete defeat. I should be so excited, so much was truly accomplished this week - and yet I cannot seem to see it.

Perhaps it was time I disconnected myself for a little while from my "new" busy schedule and slow it down a few notches, and yet I feel so without when I cannot get to the things I need. For many of you who know me now, you know I struggle with finding a job. This has been incredibly difficult to me, especially since I have been independant for so long. It has been a true test of faith to just rely on the Lord, and understand that even in monetary needs he will always provide and take care of those he loves. This is the promise I must stand on daily, and even knowing this I still go to sleep and wake up with a heavy heart.... It irritates me so much that my humaness gets in the way. I want so badly just to know everything will be ok, and time and time again the Lord has showed me his faithfulness, and yet here I sit wondering again. *sigh*

My heaviness stems from so much, I feel so binded and impossible. I struggle beyond monetary needs, my emotions feel so unorganized. Bound by family, culture, obligations, being compared to and so much more. My prayers seem so inadequate, and my praise feels empty.... however, I will continue on. I know in whom I have believed. I will struggle on and continue to grow in who I am to be, but for this moment my heart is burdened by thoughts and emotions. My eyes cannot shut in peace.

I am comforted that throughout the day, I will have the opportunity to continue to pray and praise, that I will push to see the positive. Perhaps an opportunity will arise where I can serve the Lord, and the heaviness that I feel is so strong will disappear.........

I lift up my eyes to the hills--

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip--

he who watches over you will not slumber:

indeed, he who watchrs over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you--

the Lord is your shade at your right hand,

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm--

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Psalms 121

One of my favorite scriptures.....