Crazy

So I guess the few days have been a little strange for me lately… I have been under incredible amounts of what we I like to call “ crazy stress”. Unfortunately it all came out in the wrong place….

My parents are so incredibly busy, it makes the opportunities to see and talk to them, very difficult or very hard to come by. This in addition to the course of my life, has made the idea of family very distant in my mind. So there is goes, a call or anything from that side of the world is quite a treat, and yesterday I received that unexpected call….

I was finishing up at the chiropractors office, and there I was laying half awkwardly on a table getting my bones cracked, when I hear “buzz, buzz” I was so excited to hear anything other than the cracking of my spine I whined out happily “ITS MY PHONE!” Well the chiropractor made me finish the treatment before leaving, and when I left the office I checked the phone, my heart nearly skipped a beat, it was my father. My head spun into a hundred directions… what did he want, maybe we will get to talk, maybe something happened. I love my father so much, hearing from him in nearly any capacity, even just hearing his voice grounds me, makes me feel normalized, and strangely ok. So I called him back, and he answered!!!! Ok, when your family is on so many different schedules answering the phone is not always an option- so when it happens, sometimes it is so unexpected that your not sure what to say.

My dad asked about my life, my job prospects and so many other things. He explained his concerns with some things, and just wanted to know in general what my sister and I have been up to. Here is where it takes an unfortunate turn… by Wednesday afternoon after the chiropractors appointment I was so weighed down by all the tasks that I needed to accomplish that night before church, I just kinda freaked out. So what did dear ole Theresa do? You got it, she vented… to her daddy – you know, I finally get the opportunity to talk to my dad after weeks, and what do I do??? I FREAKIN VENT!

Seriously, I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about this, and I can hear comments running through my head such as “ Theresa that is what fathers are for” and so on, but it is such a needle in a haystack even to have time with my father, that I feel like I ruined it all… So the next hour was spent just releasing stress right on the person who doesn’t need that extra amount at all. At the end of the conversation, I realized what I had done, and tried as hard as I could to say that things really were alright, my life isn’t all crazy, good things are happening, opportunities are there and so on… for lack of better words I felt like a (you fill in the blank).

So I went home to study, I usually go to a nearby coffee shop, but I did not want to be tempted by the delicate pastries that will make their goal adding inches to my waist. I get home and make some lunch and get ready to study, I open the book, and my mind is so consumed with finishing my studying that I cannot study (ok can we say weird?). So I lay down with my book, and set my cell phone to go off in time to get ready for church. What do I end up doing for the next hour? Another ironicy in the life of Theresa, I fall asleep… I never fall asleep in the middle of the day, its weird and a waste of daylight (in my book). Besides there are three large goals I had set to accomplish that day, and only accomplishing one was not going to cut it.

So when I get up and realize that I have wasted precious time, I am even more upset with myself and rush around hoping to get ready to leave for church early so I can stop by panera and use their WiFi to look up some things online before church. So I leave with an additional 25 minutes to spend at panera. I get there, and I get a phone call….when I look and see, I just smile as big as my face lets me….. it’s Saite!!!

I begin talking to her, and I am telling you a few moments spent talking to her is like a glass of ice water in 120 degree weather…. It is refreshing… See what my best friend doesn’t know, is that is one of her talents… she brings refreshment in her attitude, her life, and her respect. As long as I have known her, she has done that… just by being her. So I told her last night, I told how incredible she was – how much I missed her, how I missed Teri, how life wasn’t the same without her here daily. I told her no matter how much I missed her – I liked hearing that she was happy. I told her I was hoping on seeing her next week during fall break, and that is where the best friend mode kicked in… She told me, she knew I didn’t have a lot of money- and to save it and we will see each other next year… If at any time in my life you could have heard my heart break, it would have been right there… I have never been more than two months without seeing her, and now I have to wait until next year…

I held back tears as she talked about our responsibility to one another and how we have to watch out for each other when you in yourself cannot… and it hurt, dear God it hurt. I talked to her all the way to church, I listened to her in the parking lot at church – we kept talking, because I did not know when the next time I would be able to speak to her would be, and the whole time I fought back the tears that just wanted to pour out of me in desperation… cry out and say how much I don’t care about the money, how much I don’t care about my responsibilities, that in my own selfish desire... all I wanted and would pay all the money in the world for would be another hug from my best friend, but I knew better. I would do anything for my best friend… and I think she knows that, that is what makes it great she would do for me, what I would do for her, and she will not let me do what is wrong for me, just as I wouldn’t for her…

So we called the conversation short after 45 minutes because I was already late for service, and I went inside… repeatedly saying in my head in my heart “more of you God and less of me….” I sat up front with a friend, and I will say the comfort this man brings is incredible. I cried out in frustration to God, knowing that he was the only one who could really understand… I cried out and told him, even in my agony, I will serve him, because life without him would be of utter despair. I told him of my sorrows, and my hurts, and how I was upset of recent events… but in praise brings healing… I left knowing that even though I am sad, I will be ok. For the friends that were there last night, and the last few nights… thank you.