Scared to Life

Death… a looming word that has consumed my very being for countless years, many a sleepless nights was dedicated to the power that this one word held in my mind.

Worry and doubt are all too familiar words when it came to my sleep routine. At night when you are all alone with the millions of thoughts that finally have a chance to breathe and move why is it that these two words held the most power over me? Even in my devotional time, a time that should have solely been spent with my Lord, was interrupted by thoughts of my own selfishness.

It is easy to say that it was an attack to have me question my very existence and my meaning to the Lord. In that idea, however – shouldn’t those thoughts be just as easily comforted by the fact that the Lord has his hand on my life? I question even the simplicity of blaming it on an attack.

There are times in your life when you must grow… I feel like I wasted a lot of time refusing to change, and refusing to be grown. These thoughts of death, and the horror of how it might occur, the thoughts of being left behind if the rapture was to happen, the thoughts of how people in my life view me, and the thoughts of what everyone else was doing – was indeed apart of my own selfishness. To be confronted with these problems late at night, is for me perhaps a sign that I have not taken the time out of my day to take care of them.

I have heard it argued that, “if you believe in the Lord, you should not worry…” If I was to compare myself to that standard, I would be even more screwed up. Furthermore, if that statement is correct – how many Christians worry… well I am going to venture a guess to say EVERY ONE of them, so where does that leave us? Faithless, sorry, and ever repentant of not being able to “cast all our cares upon him”… yeah so that totally sucks.

Over the last year, I have been growing in a way that has been different than any other time in my life. The Lord has been using a lot of my past “lessons” in practice, while teaching me new ones to remind me constantly that he is there, and in control.

In April, I was in utter turmoil about where my life would be headed- fears that haunted me late at night still remained. I moved back to Missouri – and discovered an entirely new life waiting for me when I returned. Over the next several months, I was “forced” to face fears head-on, in a way that my heart felt unimaginable. Every week was another fear… my fear of water, fear of falling, fear of trusting others, fear of letting people in, fear of money, fear of losing… I could continue on for a long time. The significance in facing these fears was the subtle way the Lord had it planned out… tailor made just for Theresa Marie…. The struggle was overwhelming at times, but the silent victory was glorious.

As time continued I realized my nights of worry, doubt, and fears of death began to slowly fade. You could compare it to the drenched wool on dry pavement – but I see it as so much more. The Lord knew me, he understood my struggle, he alone saw that I needed to trust him more. Instead of just demanding it to be his way – he used patience and life lessons, made just for me… In understanding this, this is what I see, “if the Lord took the time to teach the lessons made just for me… truly there is no reason for me to worry or doubt.” With his grace, love, and forgiveness he took away the sting that death represented to me, with his peace and understanding he walks me through the worry over and over, and with his power and encouragement shows me there is no reason to doubt.

This is not to say, that the fears do not return… it is to say that my reaction is different. I still deal with fear, Psalms 27:1-2 offers much encouragement. As a recovering scaredy-cat – I must try, if I fall… get up and go again – it is not the attack that I should be concerned about, it is being prepared to stand and knowing in the Lords strength there will be victory