Mr. errr Ms. Lonely?

So during the holidays… I find myself getting lonely – I mean as if life isn’t already predisposed to making us feel incomplete without the “other half” but the holidays just increase the desire to have someone to spend it with. I found myself thinking the other day about previous dating experiences – and what I discover is, I wish I could take them all back. It is strange really, but on so many levels I wish I could have that time back and just be naive and unseasoned about certain things, I think dating is one of them.

If I had never dated, would I really understand what I would be missing? Would I be so cynical now about the representations of love, and the truth of their existence? Would it be easier for me to look at the idea of love and not be so practical? How much would I take away? My first kiss? My first heartache? How naïve do I want to be?

I was talking to a friend the other day, and I expressed my disappointment in my cynicism. He said to me “I don’t think your cynical about love per say – but cynical about how the media portrays how you are suppose to express your love” I agreed with him. I would much rather watch the commercial about the money pincher who orders a large popcorn and his girlfriend is ecstatic - than the jewelry and Lexus commercials where it takes diamonds and expensive cars for love to ignite. If I wanted my love to be bought, that could have occurred a long time ago. (this isn’t to say that if he wishes to express his love in these ways- I would not be upset, but I want to be certain love really exist)

I suppose my real cynicism lies in this. I do not believe anyone could love me enough to think of me before themselves. Perhaps this is small minded of me, but in the 26 years I have been alive I have never met anyone who has looked romantically at me without the shadow of themselves being cast in the way. I don't want to give my heart to someone who cannot return the same affection. It may be selfish of me to request that, but I see it all around me. I do not wish for the other person to forget who they are for me, I just don’t want to be the consolation prize.

If I was to take away all of my dating perhaps I would look at life more romantically and less practically. Then again, because I dated, I am even more certain of what I do not want.

Friends from this summer discussed dating quite a bit. Some believe that God will bring you the one and then reveal it to you, so there is no reason to date – Others believed that dating is the only want to test the waters and try – Then there were the others who weren’t sure and let society dictate the social acceptable sense of dating with a Bible twist… I fall into various parts of each of these categories. While I believe God will bring the right one along when it is time, I do not believe we should sit around and be lazy waiting for the skies to open up and reveal that person to us. We should be taking an active role in developing the person we should be, and when someone comes along, discover who they are before leaping in.

This brings me back to the loneliness of the holidays. I wish I could tell you that even being educated makes the circumstance any easier – but it doesn’t. I would love to say that my Christmas wish is to have my future man waiting next to the Christmas tree with a cheesy bow tie, but honestly that probably won’t be happening. I am trying to be careful this holiday, which includes New Years and my birthday, because it would be easy to find a temporary fix. Someone to use as your personal emotional holiday teddy bear, and then after New Years – when you realize it isn’t right what do you do? I am going to repeat this for myself NOT A GOOD IDEA! I think if I say it once an hour, it just might begin to sink in. This holiday – I am going to try and concentrate on showing my friends and family how much I appreciate and love them. If I can remember my appreciation for them, perhaps the holidays won’t be so “lonely” after all.