Stumbling Bumbling Idiot

Ever find just the right words to say - and then when confronted with the situation that you have countlessly rehearsed in your head ... you blow it?

My life feels like this a lot, especially lately. I keep trying to be prepared for what's ahead, I mean that is what you are taught all your life, to be prepared - so when those "things" come along you are ready for them... I have come to the conclusion that I am overly prepared for all the wrong things and under prepared for well ... just about everything else.

Life is so gosh dang random, and no matter how much you plan - you everyday must risk the spontaneity of being alive and out of bed. Sometimes the most spontaneous thing that will happen to me ... is I find myself alone - even better, I choose to be alone for an evening. I don't mind the phone calls - or writing e-mails, but there is something to be said about spending the evening all by yourself with your dog ... and doing whatever you please. Okay so I know I sound like a 80 year old lady all alone on a truly happening night.. and of course since I am turning err... 23 soon ;) I want to give my time to close out the things of my err... 22 year old life. And of course there are the things I will not even admit to myself!

Here is the thing... 2005 has been one of the roughest years of my life. I have truly gained, and truly lost in so many elements. I do not want to carry my burdened emotions of the previous year into the future... I believe I have given myself enough time to grieve for what I have lost. I spoke to a friend the other day, and we were discussing the matter of forgiveness - and the life of the old person as oppose to the new person we are supposed to be. In the last four months, it has truly been my struggle to cling to what I know I should be - rather than revert to what I once was. I have been doing a horrible job, and barely making it, but I think I am understanding more and more the concept of love and acceptance. This is where I must finally let go of what I "lost."

Several days ago, I listened to a lecture entitled "Character Matrix." This is truly one of my favorite lectures, it is in so many ways the raw truth of the character of man. We desire so much to be selfish, and so often we concentrate on what we have lost ... when what we deserve is nothing. That concept to me is incredibly humbling. When I think over the last few months - often I think "Lord how could you do this to me..." or I think "I have lost my friendships ... the person I am has been rejected... My best friend is gone... Where is my career... Does anyone even understand...?" These thoughts are just a small part of what torments my mind constantly, then I hear this lecture and I fill in the blank "Theresa you deserve NOTHING!" grrrrr!!!! So honestly I didn't really lose any friends, I never deserved them... OUCH!" What I failed so much on - is realizing the friendships that still remain. I have truly been ungrateful to those who are still in my life and not as appreciative due to my selfishness. I seem to concentrate on what I lack, rather than what I have - because the sense of loss seems so great, and such an attack on who I am.

I read this book "Who Moved My Cheese" - I taught a course in it, I gave lectures ... and yet there I am the little mouse that refuses to budge and accept the change because of her stubbornness.... There is so much more ahead, and the person I am longs to remain positive. I need to forgive myself for being such an idiot... I wish so much that the process could be rushed and I would instantly be able to let go of everything - and return to the happy person I once was. Information and life has once again changed that course, and with time perhaps I will return to that place of peace. Not feeling rejected for everything I am, this time I must be more careful. But enough is enough already.... I have mourned the "losses" - it is time to brush off and stand again. If I deserve nothing, then it is time to be thankful for what I have.

To those who have influenced my life good or bad - Thank You, I have learned. To those of you who have encouraged me - Thank You, it helped. For those of you who are still my friend (and family) that have loved me regardless of my downfalls - Thank You so very much. For my parents and sister, what can I say but I love you, and a million and a half thanks, and for those of you who hate me ... watch out - your going to get showered with kindness, because you will be the ones I will have to thank the most for the lessons that will bring me through life.