Heartbreak

I stopped blogging here long ago... for many reasons. Tonight though, I need a place where I worked out so many heartbreaks - where I fell to my knees in total desperation and cried out. Somewhere where I felt at home so many times before...

I am alone, I realize this... even with all the friends, all the people, all the socializing, all the everything, it is still quite apparent that I am alone. I tire so much of this. I finally after three years allowed myself to open up again... open up to the possibility of a future - of a desire to experience a part of my life I have kept hidden. The last few years of being battered, broken, and abused have taken a toll on my heart. So I present to you, to everyone my broken heart. In appearance, it has been mended with anything that could make it whole. Many are the times I have fallen to my face and cried out to God screaming in such desperation for completeness that I forgot that a heart of wholeness even existed anymore....

I opened up... after so many years, I opened up my heart to someone. I let him have just a piece, to discover who I am. He let me have a peice of his heart as well. We were both stupid in what we did, but I was more careless than he. I wish I could say that I took care of what I was trusted with, but I was careless. It was not unwarranted - however it is no excuse, I am the only one who answers to my actions... me, and I was the incredibly stupid one. I played the role of idiot in this story - and lead to the possible demise of what "could have been."

He was nothing like I ever imagined, strong, smart, studious, wise, social, fun, and affectionate. He is not what anyone would have pictured for me... not even my type. He liked me... and I do not know why. I liked him... and I did not know why. Yet there we were, two people taking a step toward each other thant both running 20 steps away, terrifying and exilerating, comfortable, and electrifying. The very thought of him made my heart pound, and I wanted to run away from him as fast as I could... but I couldn't. Thoughts of him would enter my mind during the weirdest moments. I would think about his dreams, his philosophies, and ponder his passions - not to take on as my own, but just at the oddest moments. The harder I ran, the worse it got. Then it all just came together... a little awkward, but it did. I did not understand anything, but in that moment - I felt... for the first time in three years I allowed myself to actually feel.

The funny thing about opening up yourself, is how guarded you are about what you put out there. I wanted my "feelings" to be treated a certain way, I was so scared I was going to get hurt, I became selfish. After a series of personal bad days... I just collapsed under the pressure. I took out my emotional garbage and threw it on someone else. In this case... him. It was wrong, so very wrong. I scared him, and rightfully so - a fastball to the face that you don't see coming is still scary when it hits you. In true me fashion though... I did not throw one or two... I pounded him. With what? my insecurity.... I am just that smart. Then, I cried... like a baby I cried for hours, until all I could do was sleep. I literally took out my heartache on someone else, and when I woke up - I knew there would be consequenses to face. I felt it...I woke up in tears, and tried to get through my day. My friends knew something was wrong... on friend even wrapped my arms around him and whispered beautiful things in my ears, in hopes of making me smile. His touch felt wonderful... but it was not what I wanted... I couldn't tell anyone, I was so ashamed. How could I do this to someone I care so deeply for? If I claimed to care... then how could I be so careless? I got asked to the movies, to dance, downtown for drinks, to a house to study, to someone's house to make out, and about a ton of other things... and any other day I might laugh and make my decision - after all it IS Thursday. Not this time though... I didn't even want to see my chiropractor. I just wanted to go home, curl in a ball, and cry.

I checked my e-mail, and sure enough... there was a message from him. I read it, and responded logically... but this time I put a bit more of my heart on the line. I did not beg, but I did request a chance to try again... I do not know what he will say. Then I closed up my computer... called my best friend and cried. I guarded my heart so well from everyone else - I never thought I would be the one to cause my own heart ache... I haven't stopped crying for hours. I have never hurt like this before... even when I was friendless and destroyed - it never felt like this.

I don't know how to stop crying, except to sleep... I have school tomorrow... I have graduation in a few months... I do not know if I can make it. I just don't think I can accomplish this - not this time.

I am undeserving of understanding, I have no right to be forgiven... but I am asking for it - and part of me still hopes that he will want me back... I hope he understands.