What is it about your arms that make me feel so safe, and your kisses send electricity through my core... The intensity of you, is too much to bare, I have to make a decision soon. Will I stay and try something new... or will I run back to my safety net. There I know my expectations - and only I have control of my heart.... but is it time to let those things go?

I don't have to give you my heart, I gave you a piece - I am curious what you will do with it? So far... I have managed to freak out in giving it to you, yet beyond anything you moved past it. I am curious... I want to test you, but I will not. If I am going to try - I only want to show you my best, it doesn't make sense... I know. All my friends tell me that I am headed for this awful disaster - so in this moment, silence is my friend - and my tormentor.

You must decide too, you are scared as well. I see it, I do. I see it although you do not say - your actions speak so loud, and your responses are clear. We are both terrified, and I have no idea where to go from here. Will you stay, or will you go- I want to decide this too... It drives me crazy this undecided portion of my life. I feel like I have to hide, while we both decide.

We don't make sense the two of us... we just don't. I look at the people we are, where we come from, our goals - and we just don't make any sense. You want something I could only dream about, an my dreams take me away from where I am now. I cannot stay and compromise more of my life... but how stupid am I to run away from the possibility of internal happiness? While we do not make sense, I am astounded by the softness of your heart... the compassion. I AM SO CONFUSED!

I must decide, because I must either move on, or give up my desire to control... I cannot hold my heart hostage in fear of being hurt. When you open up to the good... sometimes you discover the bad. I am terrified of what to do. If I choose you... then what?

You don't get to tell me no!

I have had a great eventful day… but as I sit here and sleep – memories of last night seep into my brain, and I am getting a little pissed off.

I have been your friend, that will not change… but when I am going through something, when it is my heart is bleeding and aching inside my chest, when I am going through something you could never possibly understand, because you are not me – you do not get to look me in the eyes and tell me “not tonight, I don’t want to tonight.” You do not know what words were going to come out of my mouth… but in my house, you do not get to govern them. If you have a problem with it… leave! I have sat endless hours listening to you, I understand you are going through a lot of drama – but never once did I tell you that I did not want to hear it, never once did I belittle you in front of your friends, never once did I treat you less than human for your mistakes. When I ask for a little compassion my way, you have the nerve to look me in the eyes and say “not tonight?”

If you knew I was going through a lot – why come over? I am very disciplined in how I deal with my stuff. I give myself 24 hours to go through my emotions… and while yes it still bothers me, I am the only one who truly understands what it takes to get over them. Another words, do not tell me to shut up in my own house – especially when I have never once told you to. I let you stay, I watch you do whatever it is that you do to make yourself cope, and I have supported it. Right now though… I really look at you and I think, who the heck do you think you are? Yeah I do. Yeah you are going through a lot, but it gives you no right to treat me like garbage – that stuff belongs in the trash. I am slightly sad I feel this way, but mostly pissed off.

Whatever, I know you will probably read this, and again whatever. I went out of my way to see you when things were tight, I have never shut your emotions down, and I have never looked you in the eyes and said “not tonight.” Not when it comes to releasing emotions from your heart. Whatever ok? I have shown you love and compassion… I will continue to, but right now for this moment? This is how I feel about you. I told you I would tell you if I was ever upset with you… I got to wait a few days before telling you – because this will piss you off. I tell you my heart is aching, and you tell me to get laid? What the heck kind of friend does that – and I do not care if it is joking or not. When someone is sensitive, have some freaking tact? If getting laid was the answer – there would be a lot less problems in this world.

I am pretty much tired, I am pretty much emotionally barren, I turned to a friend who told me to talk to them when things were hard – and you friggin kicked me when I was down… in front of someone else who was trying to cheer me up. I am really upset with you… no offense, but I feel really blown off by you too. I have spent too much time letting people treat me like you did last night, and I am not letting it go on anymore.

It is simple, respect me and my emotions, my wars, my hurts, my pains, MY LIFE, be honest with me, and don’t take a low blows to get your way. I am not asking you to accept them… frankly I don’t care if you accept it. That is what I ask for… and I am a little tired of people who don’t. So if you have decided to be one of those people… you might want to do a double take, because it’s gonna be a long road.

Heartbreak

I stopped blogging here long ago... for many reasons. Tonight though, I need a place where I worked out so many heartbreaks - where I fell to my knees in total desperation and cried out. Somewhere where I felt at home so many times before...

I am alone, I realize this... even with all the friends, all the people, all the socializing, all the everything, it is still quite apparent that I am alone. I tire so much of this. I finally after three years allowed myself to open up again... open up to the possibility of a future - of a desire to experience a part of my life I have kept hidden. The last few years of being battered, broken, and abused have taken a toll on my heart. So I present to you, to everyone my broken heart. In appearance, it has been mended with anything that could make it whole. Many are the times I have fallen to my face and cried out to God screaming in such desperation for completeness that I forgot that a heart of wholeness even existed anymore....

I opened up... after so many years, I opened up my heart to someone. I let him have just a piece, to discover who I am. He let me have a peice of his heart as well. We were both stupid in what we did, but I was more careless than he. I wish I could say that I took care of what I was trusted with, but I was careless. It was not unwarranted - however it is no excuse, I am the only one who answers to my actions... me, and I was the incredibly stupid one. I played the role of idiot in this story - and lead to the possible demise of what "could have been."

He was nothing like I ever imagined, strong, smart, studious, wise, social, fun, and affectionate. He is not what anyone would have pictured for me... not even my type. He liked me... and I do not know why. I liked him... and I did not know why. Yet there we were, two people taking a step toward each other thant both running 20 steps away, terrifying and exilerating, comfortable, and electrifying. The very thought of him made my heart pound, and I wanted to run away from him as fast as I could... but I couldn't. Thoughts of him would enter my mind during the weirdest moments. I would think about his dreams, his philosophies, and ponder his passions - not to take on as my own, but just at the oddest moments. The harder I ran, the worse it got. Then it all just came together... a little awkward, but it did. I did not understand anything, but in that moment - I felt... for the first time in three years I allowed myself to actually feel.

The funny thing about opening up yourself, is how guarded you are about what you put out there. I wanted my "feelings" to be treated a certain way, I was so scared I was going to get hurt, I became selfish. After a series of personal bad days... I just collapsed under the pressure. I took out my emotional garbage and threw it on someone else. In this case... him. It was wrong, so very wrong. I scared him, and rightfully so - a fastball to the face that you don't see coming is still scary when it hits you. In true me fashion though... I did not throw one or two... I pounded him. With what? my insecurity.... I am just that smart. Then, I cried... like a baby I cried for hours, until all I could do was sleep. I literally took out my heartache on someone else, and when I woke up - I knew there would be consequenses to face. I felt it...I woke up in tears, and tried to get through my day. My friends knew something was wrong... on friend even wrapped my arms around him and whispered beautiful things in my ears, in hopes of making me smile. His touch felt wonderful... but it was not what I wanted... I couldn't tell anyone, I was so ashamed. How could I do this to someone I care so deeply for? If I claimed to care... then how could I be so careless? I got asked to the movies, to dance, downtown for drinks, to a house to study, to someone's house to make out, and about a ton of other things... and any other day I might laugh and make my decision - after all it IS Thursday. Not this time though... I didn't even want to see my chiropractor. I just wanted to go home, curl in a ball, and cry.

I checked my e-mail, and sure enough... there was a message from him. I read it, and responded logically... but this time I put a bit more of my heart on the line. I did not beg, but I did request a chance to try again... I do not know what he will say. Then I closed up my computer... called my best friend and cried. I guarded my heart so well from everyone else - I never thought I would be the one to cause my own heart ache... I haven't stopped crying for hours. I have never hurt like this before... even when I was friendless and destroyed - it never felt like this.

I don't know how to stop crying, except to sleep... I have school tomorrow... I have graduation in a few months... I do not know if I can make it. I just don't think I can accomplish this - not this time.

I am undeserving of understanding, I have no right to be forgiven... but I am asking for it - and part of me still hopes that he will want me back... I hope he understands.

The past makes me mad. What do I have to do to change my future?

an idiot

There are times when I am so upset inside, that I cannot seem to rationalize what is going on. I even wonder, does God hate me? Maybe that is not the question I should be asking, but I am… and have been for quite some time.

I am an idiot – and I look in the mirror and I see an idiot. It is self deprecating, but I am not going against the flow to easily these days… and I figure, why not just roll with what everyone else is doing. It is easier to lie in the current than fight for your life, and I have been fighting for too many months now. I must be a horrible person to have misfortune be so generous.

At this time last year, I could not have been happier. I just moved back to Springfield and was going to a church that I loved. Although a lot was going on in my life… letting go of a possible career, displeasing my family, no work, no income, small amount of education, I was so happy to be back… back with my sister, Ryan, Saite, Teri, Sugarmama, and her family. It just felt so good to be in a place where I knew I was loved unconditionally. Then, as summer progressed I met some new friends – I was excited beyond all reason and understanding… I couldn’t get enough of any of them – each one was so unique and so great in personality. In my time of getting to know them, I neglected two people, my best friend and her daughter. I am a dope.

I spent the entire summer with these new friends, I learned new things… after about a month. I was ready to relax – not hang out with so many people, see my best friends, see my sister… but things would not slow down. People would get upset about being not-included, thinking I was the cause behind much of it… THAT was never my intention… People would get upset when I wouldn’t open up my house to them…My sister was growing more upset with me as days grew on – I was disrespecting her by bring in so many people. I could not do both things and make everyone happy. I upset people, hurt people, and felt the same in return. A person I knew for years, and did not like me decided to join the group – things kept spiraling downward… I could feel it, something unsettling- something I refused to recognize – things were going to get bad. In a million years I would have never guessed it would have gotten this bad.

In July, my best friend tells me nonchalantly over lunch that she is moving to California in August – and in that moment I felt part of my heart break. I couldn’t stop crying – and she didn’t even ease into it, she just blurted it out like “Hey I am going out to eat tomorrow.” I couldn’t stop crying… I was hurting in places I couldn’t describe. I did not even want to look her in the eyes – at least when I moved I was more delicate. It was almost like hearing in her voice “you spent all your time with the other people, now here is my revenge.” Perhaps this is not how it was meant… and even so, I deserved it – but it does not in any way make the heartache easier. That night, I talked to one of my new friends from the church, he was incredibly understanding – he was the only person I know who understood the incredible deepness of my friendship, because he too had experienced the same thing…. Like an idiot, I managed to ruin my friendship with him too.

In summer another month rolled around, I continued to go do things, managed to stay busy, refusing to believe my best friend would actually leave, then at the beginning of August I went to San Antonio. I came back, and it was like EVERYTHING was different, the air even felt different… I came back on a Tuesday, went to church on Wednesday and after church said goodbye to my best friend. I think that will be one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life. I think saying goodbye to my dead grandparents was easier than that moment. I hugged her, and did not want to let her go… we stood there sobbing in each others arms. My goddaughter was looking up at me with the biggest eyes, a few tears trickled down her cheek… I wanted to beg my best friend not to go, to not leave me here stranded, alone. To not take her daughter away. I wanted to ask if I could come along…. Anything, anything but her leaving. It has been nearly a year since that last hug, and will probably run into two before I get one again. I never ever want to experience that much sorrow in my entire life ever again.

I woke up the next morning in tears, I screamed… it had to be a bad dream. Upon her wishes I did not go to the airport… but instead woke up extremely early and for the next hour sat on my deck and watched every plane that flew off overhead – wishing my best friend the best, and secretly hoping she had never got on the plane… While it may not be true, I feel that perhaps my friendship was not enough to keep her, and she was trying to run away. The next hour or so, I cried – I was upset at God, how could he rip my best friend and my goddaughter away from me? What had I done to experience such despair.

I was slightly comforted thinking of my new friends. I got online to talk to someone who had named herself my bff… I was explaining my sorrows when she proclaimed, “I do not know why your so sad, it is not like she was any good for you.” I was stunned, I could not believe what had just been said – it was like fire in my soul – I proceeded to tell her she did not know what she was talking about… how could she, she had only known me 2 months. She had not seen the eight year friendship… These were the wrong words to say, because her response was this, “ You have made it very clear that I will never compare to the friendship you had with her…” there was more, but I was still in shock – DANGIT I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD JUST LOST A FRIEND, and I WAS EXPECTED TO GET OVER IT RIGHT AWAY? Have some freakin sympathy!

From that moment on… The friendship between the girl who called herself bff and I changed. I was so upset with her, how dare she speak so ill of someone she hardly knew, and I am sure she was convinced I was ruining my life. We went on acting like we were still close, but a rift was there – and it was not changing. I went on comparing every friendship I had at the church to the one of my best friend and I. I was in mourning, and people did not like the cynical side of me. I started school for the first time since I was 18 without my best friend around. I was in a car accident, and it just felt like the ball of despair began to roll on my life slowly continuing to torture me.By the end of September the girl who called herself my bff had made herself scarce in my life. It went from her being there nearly every day, to almost nothing. The guy who I became close friends with, also became scarce… it was like in two months I had lost 3 friends…

October was no better, the guy who was so understanding before… well we argued a lot. I believe he was upset at me for things that had happened earlier that summer, but without asking I can never really understand what happened. He was the one person that I respected the most. Even though he could be greatly offensive with his words, he has a great heart, because of that I respect him. The unfortunate portion however, is he was also the coordinator of the group – so when he was mad at me, I stopped getting invited. Anyone even associated with me was shunned by him… It was either hang out with the broken hearted girl who complains about the suckiness of her life or hang out with the guy who is a lot of fun, and had lots of people around. So right there by the end of October I had lost about 6 more friends.

November… well a time for thanks, but I felt more like mourning. My pet bird MB died. She was my grandfather’s bird, and I loved her more than anything, except my dog. She sang to me when I was sad, and would sit and talk to me while I was doing homework – she helped make the lonely nights more bearable. Well, I came home one night and she was bleeding from her leg… horrible bleeding…. I took her to the emergency vet and spent the last of my money to try and give her a chance… she last for two days, and died. I buried her in the yard, all by myself, cleaned her cage like she never existed…

December was perhaps the most depressing, I couldn’t stop crying – all month. I was incredibly lonely, no one to really talk to, my best friend was hard to get a hold of, and seeing myself in the mirror had turned into a war of my heart. I looked at my reflection and was convinced that something was so terribly wrong with me for me to lose 9 friends in less than six months. I hated myself, I hated that I cared, I hated walking into the doors of that church and seeing people who once liked me, look past me like I did not exist. I went to San Antonio for Christmas to see my parents – and I spent the entire week crying, I just wanted so badly for someone to look me in my eyes and say “Theresa you don’t suck.” My sister helped talk me out of the slump I was in on the way home… but artificially healing only heals temporarily.

On New Years Eve, I went down town with my roommate. When you don’t have friends, you do not really get invited to anything…The night turned out to be one of the best New Years of my life.

This year has been rough too, but slightly more pleasant… I choose more often to be happy even when I am spending a Friday night alone – and know my phone is not going to ring. It has had immense rough patches though. In January, with almost no notice, our roommate calls on the phone and tells me she is moving out- I was VERY offended by this, not that she moved out, but more along the lines of how it was done. We had a spoken agreement that I would know a month in advance if she was moving out. After she moved, I followed up my e-mail, explaining that I still wanted to be friends- but that my sister’s and my feelings were hurt because we felt used, her response was “I didn’t think I had to get your permission to move out.” I never said this, but here I will, “Oh yes honey, when you pay me rent, when you ask for my grace on the bills, and when you are living in our house? I am still the manager, and yes you need permission to break a verbal contract lease!” In April, I was in another car accident… I am still looking for a car.

A couple of days ago, I said the most selfish thing to my best friend, but a part of me is tired of hiding, scared that I am going to offend or hurt someone’s feelings by being true to how I really feel. So I told her “I miss you, I wish you would have never gone – I do support what you are doing, but you leaving has also affected my life.” We talked about when we were going to see each other, and the thing is… I know it won’t be soon. She said, well I could always visit. And my reply will probably make any of you cringe, I told her “If you visit, I don’t think I can see you… I cannot say goodbye again – I am sorry, but that was the hardest thing I have ever done….” She talked about moving to the Islands…. *sigh* I really need to pick myself up, I need to graduate and attempt to move on with my life.

When I see myself, I see a loser… I wonder how life would have been if I would have never met the people at church, if I would have never gone to that church… would I be happier? My self –esteem wouldn’t have taken such a shot….

I might add… there has been one friend, who was my friend from the beginning – is still my friend, and I hope that never changes… so far, she is the one thing I would never change.

Many of you have months like this… I am going on a year now, and I am pretty torn. I am ready to give up on everything. Quit school, Quit work, Quit trying to be friends with people… because at this venture in my life, the heartache is so much. Unfortunately life doesn’t give you that option, and I am not keen on the alternative.

Solace

Sometimes I find that the only solace I can acquire is that which is within my own mind. Rather than to empty your feelings into a useless form, grasping at any sense of understanding, I find that escape inside myself is the only form of comfort I am even allowed to have. A place where the only judge is God and myself.

As of late, I have been dealing with these feelings of escape – and tonight, on this Friday, it has become such an overpowering force, that I am crippled under the weight of despair and loneliness. I wonder more than one should on how my life could have been if I had just altered one course, or chosen the moral road on every occasion. In my head, I am able to challenge those feelings of embarrassment, regret, and discomfort – and have too much become a pro at it. After all, who really cares about a girl who has for nearly ten months lived in regret – and cannot even have a decent conversation about anything outside of business and school?

That is now who I am, and who I have become. It is unfortunate – that although I know my Savior is here, it feels not enough… Those words always catch in my throat, and I barely have the confidence to say them out loud. I feel ruined, and destroyed, In part because I am not one to heal easily. Forgiveness for others, seems not to be a tremendous controversy in my heart, for I can reason nearly anyone’s actions – except my own, and this is becoming the long torturous death of me… piece by piece my heart is shelled out, and I, like a fool, give it away, and then act surprised when I am hurt. I am my own worse enemy, and the lack of healing – is the big gaping wound that I cannot cover when someone meets me – it has now become a badge of sorts “ Hello my name is Theresa, and I am scum….” It is definitely transparent. I cannot offer anything to a new friendship, and there has been no allowance in healing the old.

Walking through the very doors of my church is painful. Seeing people enjoying each other’s company, while I, in the midst of nearly 400 people sit alone and unknown… the ones who do recognize me are the very ones who hurt me – and I wish to avoid… this has become a vicious cycle in any event, one which brings little comfort, and one which leads me to ask…. Why cannot I just not move on- why can I not be like the others… like the ones who can look past me without feeling any remorse? Or the ones who choose to pretend they are still my friend…. This is how I feel when walking through my church, a place that use to be a solace is now a struggle to walk through. No one cares enough to really know, it is much easier to fluff up what is on the surface so that others can still find you remotely approachable.

I feel a tremendous sense of loss…. I wish there were those who could see outside my strange exterior, and while my life is dramatic take time to love me regardless and wholly. In the same way I would them. I wish that on a Friday night, I don’t get brushed off for the nearest bar, or a better time. I feel used and battered. I am worn, and in a place that I would never wish on anyone. I am in a struggle for my life, and the only place of solace seems to be inside my head.

I feel like my heart is the equivalent to used tissue, torn, tattered, ruined, nasty, untouchable, disgusting, familiar, and blown… and here I am offering this worn tissue to God day in and day out…. And on the outside people see me as this worn tissue… something that they would never dare trample on, but walk around in complete disgust or ignoring its existence…

I push through every day, it is a War in my Heart, one that I dare not offer to anyone else – because they deserve so much more than the person I am now.

I am tired.... I am physically and emotionally worn out. Working two jobs, going to school 18 credit hours, attempting any social life, dealing with two car accidents, and no car - this is getting to me. I know something has to give - but what?

I do not know whether it is the weather, the atmosphere, or the way I stretch myself out. I feel sad today, not depressed sad, not piercing heart sad, just sad. I miss my best friend a lot today. I haven't been able to talk to her in a week... today would have been the kind of day where we would have both skipped classes (even Teri) went to my neighbors house and bake banana bread and talk about stupid silly things over a cup of hot (decaf) tea. I am reminicing (sp?) about the comforts in the past, and I am sad that today, in this moment I am not able to have that very thing.

It is nothing that I will not get over, it is nothing that I want to discuss too much with my best friend, because just as it is painful for me to know that I cannot have these memories back, it hurts her as well. I am blessed, I have my neighbors, my sister, my future brother in law, my dog, a great roommate, and unGodly amounts of homework and work to do to keep me busy and comforted. My best friend is thousands of miles away - and for her environment, while good, there is no place of escape. In this I am blessed... and yet even knowing this, I am selfish - so much so. I only want what I cannot have, and only desire the impossible.

Lord? When will you be enough? When will I look to you and know that regardless of the life around me, you will be enough. My plans fail, and people don't really like me much, I want to only rely on you.... Help? I need a vehicle, I need to slow down, I need an opportunity to succeed... If it is there, show me? Above anything I think I know - I know this. Life without you would be my hell... Thank you for the blessings of today - assure me that your promises are true.