The past makes me mad. What do I have to do to change my future?

an idiot

There are times when I am so upset inside, that I cannot seem to rationalize what is going on. I even wonder, does God hate me? Maybe that is not the question I should be asking, but I am… and have been for quite some time.

I am an idiot – and I look in the mirror and I see an idiot. It is self deprecating, but I am not going against the flow to easily these days… and I figure, why not just roll with what everyone else is doing. It is easier to lie in the current than fight for your life, and I have been fighting for too many months now. I must be a horrible person to have misfortune be so generous.

At this time last year, I could not have been happier. I just moved back to Springfield and was going to a church that I loved. Although a lot was going on in my life… letting go of a possible career, displeasing my family, no work, no income, small amount of education, I was so happy to be back… back with my sister, Ryan, Saite, Teri, Sugarmama, and her family. It just felt so good to be in a place where I knew I was loved unconditionally. Then, as summer progressed I met some new friends – I was excited beyond all reason and understanding… I couldn’t get enough of any of them – each one was so unique and so great in personality. In my time of getting to know them, I neglected two people, my best friend and her daughter. I am a dope.

I spent the entire summer with these new friends, I learned new things… after about a month. I was ready to relax – not hang out with so many people, see my best friends, see my sister… but things would not slow down. People would get upset about being not-included, thinking I was the cause behind much of it… THAT was never my intention… People would get upset when I wouldn’t open up my house to them…My sister was growing more upset with me as days grew on – I was disrespecting her by bring in so many people. I could not do both things and make everyone happy. I upset people, hurt people, and felt the same in return. A person I knew for years, and did not like me decided to join the group – things kept spiraling downward… I could feel it, something unsettling- something I refused to recognize – things were going to get bad. In a million years I would have never guessed it would have gotten this bad.

In July, my best friend tells me nonchalantly over lunch that she is moving to California in August – and in that moment I felt part of my heart break. I couldn’t stop crying – and she didn’t even ease into it, she just blurted it out like “Hey I am going out to eat tomorrow.” I couldn’t stop crying… I was hurting in places I couldn’t describe. I did not even want to look her in the eyes – at least when I moved I was more delicate. It was almost like hearing in her voice “you spent all your time with the other people, now here is my revenge.” Perhaps this is not how it was meant… and even so, I deserved it – but it does not in any way make the heartache easier. That night, I talked to one of my new friends from the church, he was incredibly understanding – he was the only person I know who understood the incredible deepness of my friendship, because he too had experienced the same thing…. Like an idiot, I managed to ruin my friendship with him too.

In summer another month rolled around, I continued to go do things, managed to stay busy, refusing to believe my best friend would actually leave, then at the beginning of August I went to San Antonio. I came back, and it was like EVERYTHING was different, the air even felt different… I came back on a Tuesday, went to church on Wednesday and after church said goodbye to my best friend. I think that will be one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life. I think saying goodbye to my dead grandparents was easier than that moment. I hugged her, and did not want to let her go… we stood there sobbing in each others arms. My goddaughter was looking up at me with the biggest eyes, a few tears trickled down her cheek… I wanted to beg my best friend not to go, to not leave me here stranded, alone. To not take her daughter away. I wanted to ask if I could come along…. Anything, anything but her leaving. It has been nearly a year since that last hug, and will probably run into two before I get one again. I never ever want to experience that much sorrow in my entire life ever again.

I woke up the next morning in tears, I screamed… it had to be a bad dream. Upon her wishes I did not go to the airport… but instead woke up extremely early and for the next hour sat on my deck and watched every plane that flew off overhead – wishing my best friend the best, and secretly hoping she had never got on the plane… While it may not be true, I feel that perhaps my friendship was not enough to keep her, and she was trying to run away. The next hour or so, I cried – I was upset at God, how could he rip my best friend and my goddaughter away from me? What had I done to experience such despair.

I was slightly comforted thinking of my new friends. I got online to talk to someone who had named herself my bff… I was explaining my sorrows when she proclaimed, “I do not know why your so sad, it is not like she was any good for you.” I was stunned, I could not believe what had just been said – it was like fire in my soul – I proceeded to tell her she did not know what she was talking about… how could she, she had only known me 2 months. She had not seen the eight year friendship… These were the wrong words to say, because her response was this, “ You have made it very clear that I will never compare to the friendship you had with her…” there was more, but I was still in shock – DANGIT I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD JUST LOST A FRIEND, and I WAS EXPECTED TO GET OVER IT RIGHT AWAY? Have some freakin sympathy!

From that moment on… The friendship between the girl who called herself bff and I changed. I was so upset with her, how dare she speak so ill of someone she hardly knew, and I am sure she was convinced I was ruining my life. We went on acting like we were still close, but a rift was there – and it was not changing. I went on comparing every friendship I had at the church to the one of my best friend and I. I was in mourning, and people did not like the cynical side of me. I started school for the first time since I was 18 without my best friend around. I was in a car accident, and it just felt like the ball of despair began to roll on my life slowly continuing to torture me.By the end of September the girl who called herself my bff had made herself scarce in my life. It went from her being there nearly every day, to almost nothing. The guy who I became close friends with, also became scarce… it was like in two months I had lost 3 friends…

October was no better, the guy who was so understanding before… well we argued a lot. I believe he was upset at me for things that had happened earlier that summer, but without asking I can never really understand what happened. He was the one person that I respected the most. Even though he could be greatly offensive with his words, he has a great heart, because of that I respect him. The unfortunate portion however, is he was also the coordinator of the group – so when he was mad at me, I stopped getting invited. Anyone even associated with me was shunned by him… It was either hang out with the broken hearted girl who complains about the suckiness of her life or hang out with the guy who is a lot of fun, and had lots of people around. So right there by the end of October I had lost about 6 more friends.

November… well a time for thanks, but I felt more like mourning. My pet bird MB died. She was my grandfather’s bird, and I loved her more than anything, except my dog. She sang to me when I was sad, and would sit and talk to me while I was doing homework – she helped make the lonely nights more bearable. Well, I came home one night and she was bleeding from her leg… horrible bleeding…. I took her to the emergency vet and spent the last of my money to try and give her a chance… she last for two days, and died. I buried her in the yard, all by myself, cleaned her cage like she never existed…

December was perhaps the most depressing, I couldn’t stop crying – all month. I was incredibly lonely, no one to really talk to, my best friend was hard to get a hold of, and seeing myself in the mirror had turned into a war of my heart. I looked at my reflection and was convinced that something was so terribly wrong with me for me to lose 9 friends in less than six months. I hated myself, I hated that I cared, I hated walking into the doors of that church and seeing people who once liked me, look past me like I did not exist. I went to San Antonio for Christmas to see my parents – and I spent the entire week crying, I just wanted so badly for someone to look me in my eyes and say “Theresa you don’t suck.” My sister helped talk me out of the slump I was in on the way home… but artificially healing only heals temporarily.

On New Years Eve, I went down town with my roommate. When you don’t have friends, you do not really get invited to anything…The night turned out to be one of the best New Years of my life.

This year has been rough too, but slightly more pleasant… I choose more often to be happy even when I am spending a Friday night alone – and know my phone is not going to ring. It has had immense rough patches though. In January, with almost no notice, our roommate calls on the phone and tells me she is moving out- I was VERY offended by this, not that she moved out, but more along the lines of how it was done. We had a spoken agreement that I would know a month in advance if she was moving out. After she moved, I followed up my e-mail, explaining that I still wanted to be friends- but that my sister’s and my feelings were hurt because we felt used, her response was “I didn’t think I had to get your permission to move out.” I never said this, but here I will, “Oh yes honey, when you pay me rent, when you ask for my grace on the bills, and when you are living in our house? I am still the manager, and yes you need permission to break a verbal contract lease!” In April, I was in another car accident… I am still looking for a car.

A couple of days ago, I said the most selfish thing to my best friend, but a part of me is tired of hiding, scared that I am going to offend or hurt someone’s feelings by being true to how I really feel. So I told her “I miss you, I wish you would have never gone – I do support what you are doing, but you leaving has also affected my life.” We talked about when we were going to see each other, and the thing is… I know it won’t be soon. She said, well I could always visit. And my reply will probably make any of you cringe, I told her “If you visit, I don’t think I can see you… I cannot say goodbye again – I am sorry, but that was the hardest thing I have ever done….” She talked about moving to the Islands…. *sigh* I really need to pick myself up, I need to graduate and attempt to move on with my life.

When I see myself, I see a loser… I wonder how life would have been if I would have never met the people at church, if I would have never gone to that church… would I be happier? My self –esteem wouldn’t have taken such a shot….

I might add… there has been one friend, who was my friend from the beginning – is still my friend, and I hope that never changes… so far, she is the one thing I would never change.

Many of you have months like this… I am going on a year now, and I am pretty torn. I am ready to give up on everything. Quit school, Quit work, Quit trying to be friends with people… because at this venture in my life, the heartache is so much. Unfortunately life doesn’t give you that option, and I am not keen on the alternative.

Solace

Sometimes I find that the only solace I can acquire is that which is within my own mind. Rather than to empty your feelings into a useless form, grasping at any sense of understanding, I find that escape inside myself is the only form of comfort I am even allowed to have. A place where the only judge is God and myself.

As of late, I have been dealing with these feelings of escape – and tonight, on this Friday, it has become such an overpowering force, that I am crippled under the weight of despair and loneliness. I wonder more than one should on how my life could have been if I had just altered one course, or chosen the moral road on every occasion. In my head, I am able to challenge those feelings of embarrassment, regret, and discomfort – and have too much become a pro at it. After all, who really cares about a girl who has for nearly ten months lived in regret – and cannot even have a decent conversation about anything outside of business and school?

That is now who I am, and who I have become. It is unfortunate – that although I know my Savior is here, it feels not enough… Those words always catch in my throat, and I barely have the confidence to say them out loud. I feel ruined, and destroyed, In part because I am not one to heal easily. Forgiveness for others, seems not to be a tremendous controversy in my heart, for I can reason nearly anyone’s actions – except my own, and this is becoming the long torturous death of me… piece by piece my heart is shelled out, and I, like a fool, give it away, and then act surprised when I am hurt. I am my own worse enemy, and the lack of healing – is the big gaping wound that I cannot cover when someone meets me – it has now become a badge of sorts “ Hello my name is Theresa, and I am scum….” It is definitely transparent. I cannot offer anything to a new friendship, and there has been no allowance in healing the old.

Walking through the very doors of my church is painful. Seeing people enjoying each other’s company, while I, in the midst of nearly 400 people sit alone and unknown… the ones who do recognize me are the very ones who hurt me – and I wish to avoid… this has become a vicious cycle in any event, one which brings little comfort, and one which leads me to ask…. Why cannot I just not move on- why can I not be like the others… like the ones who can look past me without feeling any remorse? Or the ones who choose to pretend they are still my friend…. This is how I feel when walking through my church, a place that use to be a solace is now a struggle to walk through. No one cares enough to really know, it is much easier to fluff up what is on the surface so that others can still find you remotely approachable.

I feel a tremendous sense of loss…. I wish there were those who could see outside my strange exterior, and while my life is dramatic take time to love me regardless and wholly. In the same way I would them. I wish that on a Friday night, I don’t get brushed off for the nearest bar, or a better time. I feel used and battered. I am worn, and in a place that I would never wish on anyone. I am in a struggle for my life, and the only place of solace seems to be inside my head.

I feel like my heart is the equivalent to used tissue, torn, tattered, ruined, nasty, untouchable, disgusting, familiar, and blown… and here I am offering this worn tissue to God day in and day out…. And on the outside people see me as this worn tissue… something that they would never dare trample on, but walk around in complete disgust or ignoring its existence…

I push through every day, it is a War in my Heart, one that I dare not offer to anyone else – because they deserve so much more than the person I am now.

I am tired.... I am physically and emotionally worn out. Working two jobs, going to school 18 credit hours, attempting any social life, dealing with two car accidents, and no car - this is getting to me. I know something has to give - but what?

I do not know whether it is the weather, the atmosphere, or the way I stretch myself out. I feel sad today, not depressed sad, not piercing heart sad, just sad. I miss my best friend a lot today. I haven't been able to talk to her in a week... today would have been the kind of day where we would have both skipped classes (even Teri) went to my neighbors house and bake banana bread and talk about stupid silly things over a cup of hot (decaf) tea. I am reminicing (sp?) about the comforts in the past, and I am sad that today, in this moment I am not able to have that very thing.

It is nothing that I will not get over, it is nothing that I want to discuss too much with my best friend, because just as it is painful for me to know that I cannot have these memories back, it hurts her as well. I am blessed, I have my neighbors, my sister, my future brother in law, my dog, a great roommate, and unGodly amounts of homework and work to do to keep me busy and comforted. My best friend is thousands of miles away - and for her environment, while good, there is no place of escape. In this I am blessed... and yet even knowing this, I am selfish - so much so. I only want what I cannot have, and only desire the impossible.

Lord? When will you be enough? When will I look to you and know that regardless of the life around me, you will be enough. My plans fail, and people don't really like me much, I want to only rely on you.... Help? I need a vehicle, I need to slow down, I need an opportunity to succeed... If it is there, show me? Above anything I think I know - I know this. Life without you would be my hell... Thank you for the blessings of today - assure me that your promises are true.