What is it about your arms that make me feel so safe, and your kisses send electricity through my core... The intensity of you, is too much to bare, I have to make a decision soon. Will I stay and try something new... or will I run back to my safety net. There I know my expectations - and only I have control of my heart.... but is it time to let those things go?

I don't have to give you my heart, I gave you a piece - I am curious what you will do with it? So far... I have managed to freak out in giving it to you, yet beyond anything you moved past it. I am curious... I want to test you, but I will not. If I am going to try - I only want to show you my best, it doesn't make sense... I know. All my friends tell me that I am headed for this awful disaster - so in this moment, silence is my friend - and my tormentor.

You must decide too, you are scared as well. I see it, I do. I see it although you do not say - your actions speak so loud, and your responses are clear. We are both terrified, and I have no idea where to go from here. Will you stay, or will you go- I want to decide this too... It drives me crazy this undecided portion of my life. I feel like I have to hide, while we both decide.

We don't make sense the two of us... we just don't. I look at the people we are, where we come from, our goals - and we just don't make any sense. You want something I could only dream about, an my dreams take me away from where I am now. I cannot stay and compromise more of my life... but how stupid am I to run away from the possibility of internal happiness? While we do not make sense, I am astounded by the softness of your heart... the compassion. I AM SO CONFUSED!

I must decide, because I must either move on, or give up my desire to control... I cannot hold my heart hostage in fear of being hurt. When you open up to the good... sometimes you discover the bad. I am terrified of what to do. If I choose you... then what?

You don't get to tell me no!

I have had a great eventful day… but as I sit here and sleep – memories of last night seep into my brain, and I am getting a little pissed off.

I have been your friend, that will not change… but when I am going through something, when it is my heart is bleeding and aching inside my chest, when I am going through something you could never possibly understand, because you are not me – you do not get to look me in the eyes and tell me “not tonight, I don’t want to tonight.” You do not know what words were going to come out of my mouth… but in my house, you do not get to govern them. If you have a problem with it… leave! I have sat endless hours listening to you, I understand you are going through a lot of drama – but never once did I tell you that I did not want to hear it, never once did I belittle you in front of your friends, never once did I treat you less than human for your mistakes. When I ask for a little compassion my way, you have the nerve to look me in the eyes and say “not tonight?”

If you knew I was going through a lot – why come over? I am very disciplined in how I deal with my stuff. I give myself 24 hours to go through my emotions… and while yes it still bothers me, I am the only one who truly understands what it takes to get over them. Another words, do not tell me to shut up in my own house – especially when I have never once told you to. I let you stay, I watch you do whatever it is that you do to make yourself cope, and I have supported it. Right now though… I really look at you and I think, who the heck do you think you are? Yeah I do. Yeah you are going through a lot, but it gives you no right to treat me like garbage – that stuff belongs in the trash. I am slightly sad I feel this way, but mostly pissed off.

Whatever, I know you will probably read this, and again whatever. I went out of my way to see you when things were tight, I have never shut your emotions down, and I have never looked you in the eyes and said “not tonight.” Not when it comes to releasing emotions from your heart. Whatever ok? I have shown you love and compassion… I will continue to, but right now for this moment? This is how I feel about you. I told you I would tell you if I was ever upset with you… I got to wait a few days before telling you – because this will piss you off. I tell you my heart is aching, and you tell me to get laid? What the heck kind of friend does that – and I do not care if it is joking or not. When someone is sensitive, have some freaking tact? If getting laid was the answer – there would be a lot less problems in this world.

I am pretty much tired, I am pretty much emotionally barren, I turned to a friend who told me to talk to them when things were hard – and you friggin kicked me when I was down… in front of someone else who was trying to cheer me up. I am really upset with you… no offense, but I feel really blown off by you too. I have spent too much time letting people treat me like you did last night, and I am not letting it go on anymore.

It is simple, respect me and my emotions, my wars, my hurts, my pains, MY LIFE, be honest with me, and don’t take a low blows to get your way. I am not asking you to accept them… frankly I don’t care if you accept it. That is what I ask for… and I am a little tired of people who don’t. So if you have decided to be one of those people… you might want to do a double take, because it’s gonna be a long road.

Heartbreak

I stopped blogging here long ago... for many reasons. Tonight though, I need a place where I worked out so many heartbreaks - where I fell to my knees in total desperation and cried out. Somewhere where I felt at home so many times before...

I am alone, I realize this... even with all the friends, all the people, all the socializing, all the everything, it is still quite apparent that I am alone. I tire so much of this. I finally after three years allowed myself to open up again... open up to the possibility of a future - of a desire to experience a part of my life I have kept hidden. The last few years of being battered, broken, and abused have taken a toll on my heart. So I present to you, to everyone my broken heart. In appearance, it has been mended with anything that could make it whole. Many are the times I have fallen to my face and cried out to God screaming in such desperation for completeness that I forgot that a heart of wholeness even existed anymore....

I opened up... after so many years, I opened up my heart to someone. I let him have just a piece, to discover who I am. He let me have a peice of his heart as well. We were both stupid in what we did, but I was more careless than he. I wish I could say that I took care of what I was trusted with, but I was careless. It was not unwarranted - however it is no excuse, I am the only one who answers to my actions... me, and I was the incredibly stupid one. I played the role of idiot in this story - and lead to the possible demise of what "could have been."

He was nothing like I ever imagined, strong, smart, studious, wise, social, fun, and affectionate. He is not what anyone would have pictured for me... not even my type. He liked me... and I do not know why. I liked him... and I did not know why. Yet there we were, two people taking a step toward each other thant both running 20 steps away, terrifying and exilerating, comfortable, and electrifying. The very thought of him made my heart pound, and I wanted to run away from him as fast as I could... but I couldn't. Thoughts of him would enter my mind during the weirdest moments. I would think about his dreams, his philosophies, and ponder his passions - not to take on as my own, but just at the oddest moments. The harder I ran, the worse it got. Then it all just came together... a little awkward, but it did. I did not understand anything, but in that moment - I felt... for the first time in three years I allowed myself to actually feel.

The funny thing about opening up yourself, is how guarded you are about what you put out there. I wanted my "feelings" to be treated a certain way, I was so scared I was going to get hurt, I became selfish. After a series of personal bad days... I just collapsed under the pressure. I took out my emotional garbage and threw it on someone else. In this case... him. It was wrong, so very wrong. I scared him, and rightfully so - a fastball to the face that you don't see coming is still scary when it hits you. In true me fashion though... I did not throw one or two... I pounded him. With what? my insecurity.... I am just that smart. Then, I cried... like a baby I cried for hours, until all I could do was sleep. I literally took out my heartache on someone else, and when I woke up - I knew there would be consequenses to face. I felt it...I woke up in tears, and tried to get through my day. My friends knew something was wrong... on friend even wrapped my arms around him and whispered beautiful things in my ears, in hopes of making me smile. His touch felt wonderful... but it was not what I wanted... I couldn't tell anyone, I was so ashamed. How could I do this to someone I care so deeply for? If I claimed to care... then how could I be so careless? I got asked to the movies, to dance, downtown for drinks, to a house to study, to someone's house to make out, and about a ton of other things... and any other day I might laugh and make my decision - after all it IS Thursday. Not this time though... I didn't even want to see my chiropractor. I just wanted to go home, curl in a ball, and cry.

I checked my e-mail, and sure enough... there was a message from him. I read it, and responded logically... but this time I put a bit more of my heart on the line. I did not beg, but I did request a chance to try again... I do not know what he will say. Then I closed up my computer... called my best friend and cried. I guarded my heart so well from everyone else - I never thought I would be the one to cause my own heart ache... I haven't stopped crying for hours. I have never hurt like this before... even when I was friendless and destroyed - it never felt like this.

I don't know how to stop crying, except to sleep... I have school tomorrow... I have graduation in a few months... I do not know if I can make it. I just don't think I can accomplish this - not this time.

I am undeserving of understanding, I have no right to be forgiven... but I am asking for it - and part of me still hopes that he will want me back... I hope he understands.