Heavy Heart

Last night I went to bed with a heavy heart, something I do not do very often because I believe in dealing with emotions as they come along-but in this case I did not know how to deal with my feelings.

The last week has been a strange miriad of emotions, for instance: on Monday I washed my cell phone in the washing machine.... not something I did purposefully. It really urks me for numerous reasons, and usually I am able to find some sort of positive spin on situations - and yet something so simple has felt like a complete defeat. I should be so excited, so much was truly accomplished this week - and yet I cannot seem to see it.

Perhaps it was time I disconnected myself for a little while from my "new" busy schedule and slow it down a few notches, and yet I feel so without when I cannot get to the things I need. For many of you who know me now, you know I struggle with finding a job. This has been incredibly difficult to me, especially since I have been independant for so long. It has been a true test of faith to just rely on the Lord, and understand that even in monetary needs he will always provide and take care of those he loves. This is the promise I must stand on daily, and even knowing this I still go to sleep and wake up with a heavy heart.... It irritates me so much that my humaness gets in the way. I want so badly just to know everything will be ok, and time and time again the Lord has showed me his faithfulness, and yet here I sit wondering again. *sigh*

My heaviness stems from so much, I feel so binded and impossible. I struggle beyond monetary needs, my emotions feel so unorganized. Bound by family, culture, obligations, being compared to and so much more. My prayers seem so inadequate, and my praise feels empty.... however, I will continue on. I know in whom I have believed. I will struggle on and continue to grow in who I am to be, but for this moment my heart is burdened by thoughts and emotions. My eyes cannot shut in peace.

I am comforted that throughout the day, I will have the opportunity to continue to pray and praise, that I will push to see the positive. Perhaps an opportunity will arise where I can serve the Lord, and the heaviness that I feel is so strong will disappear.........

I lift up my eyes to the hills--

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip--

he who watches over you will not slumber:

indeed, he who watchrs over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you--

the Lord is your shade at your right hand,

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm--

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Psalms 121

One of my favorite scriptures.....

many days

Thursday

Elisha and I went out to pick a cell phone for her, I was so excited to be apart of it-then she recieved this amazing haircut, she looks phenominal!

Later that evening Brandon, Sandor and I went to meet Katherine and her sister at the Louisburg carnival thingie.... the small town feeling was so different, but a nice change in pace. We all ate fish sandwiches (yum!)

Brandon and Katherine roade rides, while I attempted to use the digital camera....*sigh* one day I will figure it out. Now then, after the rides we went walking around again and found a jousting thing where you had to pay a lot of $$$ for just one match...hmph, so Katherine and her sister started negotiating prices when I heard the music! Some country bluegrass stuff- I jokingly looked at Katherine and said "hey baby want to two step?!" she laughed and said, " I really do know how!" I said "let's do it!" So after a little while we did!!!!

So OFFICIALLY Thursday night was the best ever that week, not only did I learn how to two step with Katherine, but Brandon AND Sandor danced too!!! Okay maybe not such a big deal for some, but all summer I have been doing things that have terrified me and I felt like I was all alone in that endeavor. Then when two guys who are not sure how they feel about dancing in public were willing to learn (in public).... I was so giddy THE BEST EVER! I wish I had pictures, but Sandor took most of them..... Here is what I do have though....

Brandon running with a bungee tied around his waist

Brandon and Katherine on a totally NOT-SAFELY-PUT-TOGETHER ride

Friday

BBQ day!!! So we took a road trip to visit a friend and go to a BBQ, it was great! Games, shrimp, spicy corn *sigh* amazing! Later that evening I went outside to catch the sunrise, and there was a line of trees blocking it, so a friend and I took a walk to try and see it we ended up walking for about an hour and just talking.... while my big mouth was talking a nice little bug thought it would be fun to fly down my throat! So yes, on Friday I swallowed a bug, and got bit on the shoulder by another one. Attack on Theresa by the bug people!

After the games and events we watched a movie... and action film, for some reason I was tired. Katherine, Brandon and I were together on one couch, and I fell asleep on Katherine's shoulder. When I woke up I had a sweater on and was so confused.... I guess age is finally taking its toll on me!

Saturday

I woke up ready to help Brando on his house.... so when I showed up ready to paint, I had no idea how funny the situation would turn out. We started painting the cieling... woo woo an adventure! I had more cieling paint on me than I think the cieling ended up receiving (make sense??) I left feeling like a very jolly snowman!

I went shopping with Katherine later that day too..... I am forever looking for the perfect shoes and dress! Have not found it yet, but I will!

That evening we all met up at roller city to go skating, and it was like 80 degrees inside the rink, all the guys were changing colors, so we decided to leave and go get something to eat and watch a movie at Sandors house... needless to say I fell asleep there too.

Sunday

A faulous day of relaxation! Church, pizza, doing your nails, and a nap! Followed by small group, cielito lindo and hanging out at my house! A good day!

Trees and other Adventures!

The last several days have been a variety of emotions all targeted to test my faith, but also test my personal beliefs. I am realizing with each passing day that the victory of the test does not rely solely on your strength, but what the Lord can do through you. Exactly a week ago (Wednesday) I had a hard time understanding why I was struggling the way I was, when the Lord had shown me many times before how he takes care of those he loves. Each day is a new miracle and within the day that I questioned the Lord, he showered his blessings on me which has still continued.

So back to the miriad of emotions I have been experiencing-these emotions target my faith and the lessons he has taught me up until this time, while I know that it might be simpler by human standards to give up and remain right where I am-the thought of being outside of the Lord's will hurts much deeper. I walk knowing and understanding that the Lord has a purpose for me, and even from a heavy heart I understand that the best way to a complete victory is to pray, be careful, and always follow the Lords will.

On a fun note, things in the last few days have also held many adventures , I find that the fearful person I use to be is slowly diminishing and willing to explore other ways of living life. I am excited to report that this summer has been an amazing adventure for me spiritually, emotionally, and physically-all which I do not regret.

TuesdayBrandon, Sandor, and I decided to take a small road trip to see Katherine.

Adventure Point #1 ) three people in a small lowrider truck for 30 minutes! The positive side? all bubbles were completely intruded upon, laughter was inevitable, and we contributed to saving gas and the environment

Adventure Point #2) coffee at 10pm.... hmmm is that really ever a good idea for someone who steers clear of caffine- I suppose this one was on the safer side for me I had a coconut italian soda!

Adventure Point #3) Learning how to play spades on 9 hours of sleep in five days, and then being partners with a super competitive friend, then losing the entire game in one hand!

Adventure Point #4) Taking an 11:30pm ride in a jeep through the backroads to a small wooded area where no one is, for those of you who don't know me... I would have NEVER done this EVER for any reason unless life was at stake. Two months has changed a lot of things, and now? I think it is fun..... how strange!

Adventure Point #5) Watching your friends climb a steep hill, holding onto roots to climb up, watching Brando climbing a tree in flip flops while Katherine is looking like she would catch him if he fell, THEN watching them convince Brando to climb a vine (like Tarzan or something) while the trees above my head shake by merely touching the vine..... ALL THIS for the sake of a small 8 month old FEMALE cat using only the lights from our cell phones to find the kitty stuck at the top of the tree.... well until I realized we could turn the jeep around to get some light *sigh* and still have to leave the cat stranded until the next day where animal control can come help the kitty. Oh yes and watching them come down the steep hill..... funnier than watching them climb up!!

Adventure Point #6) Okay seriously nothing smells like the cow country side... until your in a jeep then the pungency of the situation makes things real interesting.

Adventure Point #7) Realizing that every moment you spend with close friends is an adventure, some more than others!!!! OFA ATU Katherine, Brando, and Sandor, I am looking forward to a gazillion more adventures......

Text conversation later that night with Katherine

Katherine : yuck I need a shower
Theresa: LOL I am good!
Katherine: yeah well u werent tarzaning it up a tree lol
Theresa: do you THINK I am the tarzan type??
Katherine: I think there is hope for you yet! God will give you the ambition to swing from a vine when it is his will that you do so (or buckle under the peer pressure)

so true.... it has taken several times of peer pressure, and it has been worth it everytime

Wednesday

Today was an amazing day, getting sleep was the first great thing!!! Yay for sleep! Shopping for clothes with Sandor... I am looking for the perfect black top to go with this incredible silk skirt *sigh* I think it might take more than a few tries to find it. Church, which is amazing! Then off to Cielito Lindo for some yummy food, they have apple soda there and it is amazing! Oh yes and happy two month anniversary to Katherine and Brandon! riding back to the church in the jeep singing super loud (my fave!) and then back to my house to hang out..... I love Wednesdays!

Racing Brandon and Sandor in the jeep!!!

Theresa Marie

New Adventure

Today has been an adventurous and thrilling day. Kimberly came to visit my sister and I from San Antonio, Texas. It is amazing to see her, last time I saw her she was a young girl, and now I she has grown up to be a beautiful young lady. I ran around today accomplishing none of the goals I had set for that day, but still having a wonderful time. Later that evening a large group of friends came over for dinner, my sister and I made fajitas while Amy, Saite, and Melody made a no bake cheesecake and icecream dessert. We had such an amazing time just hanging out at the house. It seemed like every 10 minutes or so the doorbell would ring and another friend arrived at the house. I met a new friend tonight, and hope to see her much more. (Hi M-Lo!!!)

I thank the Lord so much for the amazing friends he has brought into my life. It is such a blessing to be able to have the most amazing seasoned friends and the incredible new friends to encourage you day-to-day.

Lately I have been thinking a great deal about the opportunity the Lord brings our way. For as long as I can remeber I would ask the Lord "what is my purpose, what do you want me to be for you?" Everytime I would ask these questions I would expect a divine answer such as "Theresa I want you to be a doctor, lawyer, a composer" this list could go on and on, but what I realized was that the Lord wanted me to just be who I was. He created me to be who I am in the moment that I am, and what he desired out of me was to be obediant and have faith that my heavenly father knows me and will take care of me during ANY situation. This lesson was years in the making, and everyday he shows me his love and kindness and reassurance when I feel overwhelmed, happy, or anything. Realizing this has provided an entirely new outlook at my life, no longer do I look for personal fufillment-I look for the opportunity the Lord allows me to be apart of to serve. Day to day I never know what is coming, and for the first time in a long time I feel awake, alive, and excited about those opportunities. I know now that as long as I am listening and being obediant I am exactly where he wants me to be, and while it may not be his plan that I be the next rock star sensation, I am where he wants me to be which is in turn where I choose to be.