You can do anything......

So most of my life I have felt at one time or another out of place or just stupid. Now, I can hear my mother saying in the back of my head “ your not stupid, you can do anything you want to do….” For some reason when the information is coming from the most reliable source-one that I should truly really and completely believe it is strange that I struggle with believing it.

So now here I am 26 year later in my life…. Lived, yes all 26 years and somehow those words from my mother still ring in my ears, for now… YES now, I feel more out of place, unintelligent, and more awkward than I have felt in a very long time.

I have claimed Media as my major, Theresa the business girl has claimed media as her major, and I am struggling more than I ever have just to keep up. I already feel so unfitting amidst the younger-aged crowd. Perhaps I should have just stuck to my career plans and stayed in the workforce-rather than going back to school, but there has, for the last few years remained one passion that has always driven me, The completion of my four year degree, not two associate degrees… but one beautiful Bachelor degree. So here I am attending school, declaring a major I haven’t been apart of in nearly two years and climbing this uphill path with all the passion I can muster.

I feel so foolish, I sit in media theory completely fascinated with the ideology that people truly believed that media had no influence on society whatsoever, yet fought as hard as they could to shut it down…… I sit in Theatre set design and stare at the glorious lines of a piece of cloth and see how depth of light is infused by each wrinkle in the fabric (and then inadequately try to draw it) …. I go to media management and finally after a long day of brain beating, I find myself yet again fascinated with the business side of media…. And then the most dreaded and nerve wracking course of all…. Broadcast writing, I am so aware of others and their talent, I often question my own…The teacher discusses old pop culture I know nothing of (and should), I can never be prepared…. And I feel, dare I say it? STUPID!

For someone who is a perfectionist on how her final outcome is, this class is horrifying…. So here in lies my battle, the professor has told the class: “as long as you do the work, in the format I tell you, and turn it in on time…. You get an A, it’s that easy” I wish it was that simple for me, but knowing I have to share work I am unhappy with, and not sure how to fix with others, that is NOT easy… when the emotions I want to express cannot be conveyed in my story- when the lines I work so hard on crush me when I read them… and OH JOY OF ALL JOYS I get to tell a class of geniuses my fifth grade level story, well lets just say the reactions of media students are never as tactful as those of business…. And here I will stay, because this is a challenge, my battle, and my personal success

“Your not stupid Theresa, you can do anything you want to do….” Thank you mom, thank you for saying that to me a million times while I roll my eyes… sometimes it is truly the only words that get me to my next class. I know I am in the right major, because if this was easy – then I would not work as hard to succeed... and success is something I am willing to work hard for……