My One True Friend

When I am alone, and in the dark, who else can I turn to, but you my one true friend. I call out your name and you are there, you have proven yourself time and again. And yet here I sit crying out loud my heart in pain for what I do not have, when you father have truly given me so much more than I will ever understand. I call aloud the promises that you told me along ago- I am clinging to them, because it’s all I know. Oh Lord don’t forsake me- please don’t leave me now, I am so lonely, and you are the only one who can truly calm my pain. This is me father crying out to you, showing you my heart asking how to exist in a world that despises me so. I miss what I cannot have, I long for something more… help me father to be content in the idea that you always know. This is my prayer, oh my hearts desire… I want you to be my comforter in all times. I want to praise you even when I cannot understand. I need your help my one true friend. Why did they leave father? I may never know, help me to find peace knowing you are in control. I am scared father to give anymore, but what I have is not mine – it is yours, and it is not mine to hold. So if my friendships continue to fail, and the seasons continue to feel like a hell, please let me rest assure on your promises to know you are there. I will praise you father amidst the storm because your power is greater and more awesome than my storm. You calm the seas with a whisper of breath; the power you hold is where my faith stands. You know my life better than I, that is why you are worth it – thank you for trying. Your patience with me in far more than I deserve, and when I get cut deep - there you are encouraging me, pressing me, pushing me to go on, not to rely on myself but your everlasting arms. I am still hurting father – but onward I go, the lessons you taught me about life, some may never know. Thank you for not judging me by the values that man does, because through their eyes I would never survive. In your eyes father, I know I am alive… help me to see myself the way that you do, because right now I feel ugly, unlovable, and used. I wish I could offer you everything you deserve, but all I have is me… there is not much worth. What I have is yours, I must continue to give… even though I don’t understand, because every time I try to give up… I remember your commands. Lord please forgive me for all the pain I have caused, if I have hurt others… show me how to make it right, because no matter what – I cannot give up the fight. Life does not end until you take your last breath, and Lord I will continue to praise you long after my death. While I want answers I desire joy and peace more, please father help me to find what I am looking for….

Valentine

Today is the anniversary of when my Harlmonee (grandmother )died… I miss her, I miss her advice, I miss her voice, I miss her smile, I miss her prayers, I miss her singing, her goofiness, her controlling nature, her beauty. I have to look at it like this, God brought his beloved home on the day the nation celebrates love…. I still miss her though, and I know my mother does too…

I have just sent one of the hardest e-mails of my life… I am giving up after nearly a decade of trying… it’s official now…

bad week

Okay so I have had a rough last week… and frankly my dears I am glad it is over!

Let me break it down for ya’ll.

Monday
started not feeling well

Tuesday
started getting really sick, by 8pm completely miserable and felt like there was an inferno that could not be quenched in my throat

Wednesday
Went to the health center and got tested for mono… found out I had a severe throat infection and am anemic – told I have to stay in bed until Friday

Thursday
Had to write all my professors and let them know I couldn’t come to class… spent the rest of the day on the couch miserable. ( on the upside I got to see I robot for the first time)

Friday
Finally got to leave the house…. But before I did leave my roommate calls and says she is moving out that night with no notice… (won’t get into that) – came home late that night still feeling yucky ,with the house empty and sad.

Saturday
Fighting this stupid stupid throat infection! The heater went out in the house… had to wait until late afternoon to get it fixed. Talked to my mom about going to Vegas, found out the dates for Spring Break do not match – can’t go.

Sunday
Still sick…. and struggling with events over the weekend…

So perhaps I shouldn’t complain, and perhaps I should take my own advice on putting a positive spin on this – but right now I am so hurt and upset (excuse I know) that I just don’t even want to try…. I am in a super negative mood, I think I could deal with the sickness if I just wasn’t so hurt emotionally.

Here’s to a better week.