Cross Roads of Confusion

“R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me…..” Aretha Franklin

A word that has so much meaning, and yet people just don’t understand, so let’s define it shall we?

re·spect (r -sp kt )
1) To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
2) To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
3) To relate or refer to; concern.

Okay, so now it has been defined….Now if I sit here and evaluate many of the friendships and people in my life, do they respect me? Better yet, let us take this one step further and ask… Do I respect them?

I believe I do. I treat people in my life well, if I can help I do it willingly, if I can listen, I do, if I see that they are hurting, I try and help, and if I have found out I have offended, I do my best to reconcile…. So now what? Why am I up so dang late thinking about this word…..Perhaps because I have heard all my life, “To get respect, you must earn respect.” Well if that is true… then what the heck happened?!?

I have very wonderful friends that truly respect me, and my choices, and if I disagreed—well they would “respect” that, and we would still be friends. Then, there are others who are completely disrespectful, who have no regards for my feelings, or for me at all…. So what happened there? I still give them respect, and yet nothing, nada, kaput! I get stung every time, and yet I still return…because some part of me wants to believe that the goodness in “them” will eventually see the true hurt that is caused, and will be respectful in return.

It is so wrong of me to feel this way, to give means to give without ever expecting in return…. I have always believed that, so why in this do I feel so betrayed? What I would like, is to look them in the eye and scream “SCREW YOU!” I will never do that, because as quickly as that emotion comes, I feel conviction of my past disrespectful nature…..

Emotions come in to play in my life more than people think… and with this issue of respect… lah dee dah… here comes the tidal wave of “how do you feel about this?” Here is where things get screwy…. For nearly 5 years I put my emotions away, at the “appropriate time” and guess what? That “appropriate time” well that never really came… So, about 7 months ago I made a commitment to myself to try and feel the emotions I feel there… because that is apart of who I am, and what I want to be.

If I am upset, well dangit! I will be upset, and if I am hurt… I will feel that hurt! This has been a lot easier said than done, and there are times when I fight that old mentality of hiding everything away. There is a great line that I hear over and over in my head when people say I take things too personally… “Whah, what does that mean? If anything, things should begin by being personal…..” from a lady who has lost her passion, and is discovering it again, taking it personal is a choice that I have made. I want to know that if I am hurt by you, that I am confident enough in myself to experience that emotion-and be open enough to share it with you…. Knowing that you may not “respect” what I say in the end……

Emotions, respect, honesty, love, acceptance, honor, loyalty, and I could go on and on. These things go hand-in-hand.

So tell me, if you have been disrespected, do you ever ask yourself “Was I perhaps disrespectful first?” Then what happens….. and if you were respectful, and were disrespected….. what then? This is one of those times I wish I could just stick my hole in the ground dangit!