Goodbye Sophia hello Nabi

It happened… yes, Saturday at 2pm I purchased my next vehicle…. Melody was with me, and let me just say I was a lot more the joyful. She is beautiful, and perfect for my next set of adventures in life… It is a 1995 Honda Accord EX 2 door. Melody and I took my car on Saturday to get her detailed and washed, and afterwards I named her… her name is Nabi (pronounced NAH-BEE), which means butterfly in Korean.

On the other hand, buying Nabi means admitting that I will not have Sophia (my old car) anymore… Sophia and I had many adventures and have traveled quite a bit together, I am going to miss her so much. I went nearly 60,000 miles in Sophia – and now letting her go to be salvaged feels like I am betraying something, I know it is weird to humanize such things – but losing something that you have so many memories in, is hard… Sophia was the first car I took Teri to daycare in, and the first car I drove 600 miles to surprise my mother and grandfather for their birthdays. She was my first serious 4 door vehicle, and is extremely moody. She was my safe haven when I moved away from Missouri and was the only thing that really reminded me of home. She was the first vehicle I bought when my parents moved away… so many many memories, and when I let her go – I know the memories do not go, but the good times with Sophia are over and it kind of scares me, even after the wreck I relied on her and she did not let me down, she wasn’t fast, and was not the brightest…but to me she was beautiful – and the opportunities she helped provide me were incredible, it’s time to move on – and yet I am reluctant to let her go.

*sigh* so much I am letting go of lately… just add it to the list...

Another One Cont....

Here goes the next 5 questions of the never ending e-mail quiz

11. Favorite sport? to watch?

On Television - none, Live sports? Football, Baseball, Hockey

12. Hair color ?

Naturally black brown, but right now it is more of a auburn

13. Do you wear contacts?

nope, glasses

14. Siblings:

I have the best younger sister in the world!

15. Favorite month?

January, seems to always signify a new beginning

Now its your turn, question 11-15 everyone!

11. Favorite sport to watch?

12. Hair color ?

13. Do you wear contacts?

14. Siblings:

15. Favorite month?

Rosa Parks

Today an amazing historical figure passes away…. and I for one am very humbled by her life. In my life I have been inspired by many amazing people – who were willing to stand up for their beliefs.

Rosa Parks died on Monday evening at age 92 of natural causes, her life was incredibly inspiring for most, and is often referred to as the mother of the civil rights movement. In 1955, at the age of 42 she made a decision to ride the bus home. In 1955 the Jim Crow laws were in effect and it was bus rules that if a white person wanted your seat, and you are black you must give it up to them – heck the Jim Crow laws made it regulatory for segregation of nearly everything… restaurants, bathrooms, water fountains…. Rosa Parks was tired, had a long day and just wanted to sit down, so when someone told her to give up her seat… she refused. She was jailed and fined $14. The interesting thing is she was the third person that year to have been brought up on that charge.

Now, why would a woman not willing to give up her seat is called the “mother of the civil rights movement?” Because she stood up for something she believed in, peacefully, gracefully, and not to show off. Her sense of morals and ethics is what drove her – and people saw an injustice, they knew that something wrong had been done, and they joined her at a new level to create equality in a world that was treating them unjustly.

In her grace and wisdom she said “"At the time I was arrested I had no idea it would turn into this," Mrs. Parks said 30 years later. "It was just a day like any other day. The only thing that made it significant was that the masses of the people joined in." Amazing what can happen when masses of people join in… I mean the two woman before her earlier that year had done the same thing, and yet Rosa Parks stands out, because why? Yes because of masses of people.

Every day we do something… everyday we live as the people we are, with the standards to show others who we are – many of us are Christians with “masses of people” who believe in the same “movement” and many times we disagree on things and go about achieving the same things in a different manner… but what would happen that within our efforts to just be who we are, and stand up for what we believe in a graceful, elegant, peacefully, and not a showy manner? How many people could be reached and touched by something we do so casually already? In that aspect, how many people are we shutting out by the opposing actions of our “bad” side… if we knew every day we had the potential to reach masses by our simple actions, and yet never knew what or where that action would be, would we act differently?

Many people who have interviewed Rosa Parks, spoke mainly of her humility, the acknowledgement that she started something so great was so humble… Many of us hear the greatness of what she accomplished, but how often do we also acknowledge the struggle she endured until death… for those who do right, there is no rest – only the enduring belief that we are, one step at a time accomplishing something for a power greater than us. Did you know that after standing up for her beliefs she struggled with finding work in her hometown of Alabama and moved to Detroit in 1957… for two years she endured harassment and threats until moving to Detroit. In 94 her home was invaded and she was beat and he took $53… Amidst what we saw as greatness she still struggled with being a human being, to be treated respectfully… what many of us would call “life.” It will be the same way for everyone – we may at times achieve some level of what another judges as “great” but we will struggle with our humanity, and continue to deal with all the emotions and truth that life itself will have to offer us.

Rosa Parks left many things to think about, it is profound to me that one of the tidbits of wisdom she left with us is this: "I am leaving this legacy to all of you ... to bring peace, justice, equality, love and a fulfillment of what our lives should be. Without vision, the people will perish, and without courage and inspiration, dreams will die - the dream of freedom and peace."

Another one

humm dee dumm.... I am going to check my e-mail and oh! What is this? *coca cola*smile* yet another fun fill out a bunch of stuff about you and send back to the person who sent it to you and then your brother's mother's aunt's uncle who will eventually fill it out and send it to your third cousin on your father's side. These are a lot of fun, but I have decided to cut some of it short and do this piece by piece, oh yes and I want involve other's in a not so time consuming manner....

Here goes everyone the first 10 questions of THE fill 'er out e-mail!

1. What is your first and middle name?

Theresa Marie

2. What color pants are you wearing?

Black

3. What are you listening to right now?

The movie Two Weeks Notice, the radio, the humidifier, and my nose sniffling

4. What was the last thing you ate?

Southwest Chipoltle Noodle Soup

5.If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Sea Foam Green

6. How is the weather right now?

So very very cold... 36degrees cold and clear

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?

Uh... a friend!

8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?

Like them?!? I Love them! *cough*coca cola*

9. How old are you today?

errr... 23, or err 26, yeah that's it! 26

10. Your favorite drink?

I really love Chery Coke, I do not drink it anymore....but I really do love it...

So now it's your turn to participate... so take a little time out from your day to let others know a little more about you fill out your answers to the top ten on the comment board!

Here, I will even make it easy, its a copy and paste mission from here on out folks....

1. What is your first and middle name?
2. What color pants are you wearing?
3. What are you listening to right now?
4. What was the last thing you ate?
5.If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
6. How is the weather right now?
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
9. How old are you today?
10. Your favorite drink?

Corn Maize and Cow Trains

So I am taking a nap, trying to rest my oh so sore throat, when my cell rings. I answer and manage to squeak out a hello. It’s Joe, he tells me, we are going to try and go to the corn maze tonight, wanna come? I thought about it… this corn maze thing has really been quite the little battle to organize, so I say “yeah, let me call Amy and see if she wants to go, I was going to hang out with her tonight.” Joe gives me all the details… we’re meeting at 9pm at Elisha’s, it cost $5, dress warm…. I call Amy, and Amy is down with the whole thing… She is going to call me at 8 to finalize the plan, I realize it is 6:30pm and I still haven’t left the house to go the mall, shoe store, and car lot…*sigh* being sick during fall break really bites!

The Maze is 30 minutes away in a small Missouri town called Verona, so we travel out there. Three vehicles, one with Chad, Sandor, and Emily, another with Joe and Elisha, and finally one with Travis, Amy, and me. We jamm out to old school tunes (fun stuff!) and arrive just in time to the corn maze to hear the guy say “ uh the maze is closed, but your friends are going to get some hot chocolate” We pull in….

I am still so fascinated with the things people do for fun in Missouri. I know I shouldn’t be, I mean I have been here long enough… but it still just astounds me that someone could be so creative as to create a maze out of corn field, and then make it haunted and people spend hours walking through and having a great time… and then OH MY GOSH there is this thing called a “Cow Train” seriously….

I was dumbfounded when I saw it. Essentially it is a four wheeler with a hitch on the hitch they have attached in true choo choo formation about 9 barrels (yes I wrote barrels) that have been cut out, a seat installed and painted white with black cow prints on them. Then they attach a wooden cow head to the front end of each barrel, give the barrel a cute name such as “Bessie” and charge $1 for people to sit in it and take off at 30 miles an hour for 45 seconds…. Some of the people in our little group were sooooo excited to ride this things, I dunno I sometimes wonder how much I miss out on because of rationalization. For instance: here are 4 people in the group ecstatic about fitting there butts in a tight painted barrel in 30 degree weather, so they can have 45 seconds of fun, and when they get off they are all laughing about dust blowing into their mouth, and all over them, having to close your eyes because of the wind, and not being able to breath because of the exhaust from the four wheeler – but ride it cuz it’s fun! I wonder if I miss out because that is what I think, perhaps what I really should be saying is… when will I ever have the opportunity to ride in a barrel the size of my rear end through a field in Verona, Missouri again?

But being Theresa, I did not go, for good reasons.
1) I wasn’t sure my butt would fit!
2) If it didn’t fit how embarrassing would that be?!
3) I am still suffering with a sore throat, maybe dust flying in my face is a bad idea
4) ditto on the exhaust
5) what if the barrels fall over? Would I be satisfied knowing I paid a dollar to get hurt on something called a Cow Train?

So there you go, five very decent reasons why I didn’t go…. Sad part is #5 should really be #1, and yet I was more worried about the size of my butt than getting hurt!

So there was no maze action tonight, but there was hot chocolate, rain, cow trains, a bonfire, and a guy dressed in a costume chasing people around with a chainsaw. I am excited to go again, if for nothing else to watch people ride the Cow Train and sit next to the fire looking at the gorgeous stars and horizon only the country has to offer…. Besides a night outside just would not be the same without Melody there - so this particular adventure, well it's a totally to be continued thing.....

A long fun day

Ok so I didn’t blog yesterday… sue me! It was such an adventurous day, well adventurous in the world of me. I got up super early early and talked to my sister in New York!!! Ok saying that just gives me goosebumps *smile* I think if I could have any wish in the whole world, I would use them all up on her and my family!

Ok so she calls me and I manage to squawk out a hello ( I have lost most of my voice). She tells me she has been doing all kinds of stuff, like she saw a casting director – who gave her oodles of compliments on her voice ( I need a moment to jump up and down in excitement here… her voice is phenomenal, and to have that reiterated by a New York casting director… talk about an ego boost!!!!) Then she told me she saw a few shows, one which she told me I would absolutely love – she also told me that they attended the same night as Ben Stiller and his wife. Hannah told me the funniest thing; she said “He has an unusually large head!” I just laughed and laughed… I mean who sees a movie star and then comments on his head, down to earth opinions like that just make me miss my sister so much more! She is having a great time, and that makes hearing from her all the better.

After talking to my sister, I get ready to go see the Chiropractor… this man is merciless when it comes to cracking… I wanna cry when I am anticipating the sound of that “craaaaaaaaaack” or “pop pop pop” but I always leave feeling a little sore, but better, not quite sure how that works, but hey I am doing much better now than a month ago!

Hmmm oh yes, after the chiropractor – I decide it is time to go take on the world of Car Lots…. *smile* besides I was in an mischievous mood anyway, why not right? The Car Lot world is a man’s world, and I really looked forward to see what they were going to try and pull over on me… I am not a mechanic by any means – but I know money and prices and that is where they like to play. So I pull up, and get out – it is amazing the attention you get a car lot… if any of you are looking for a little attention in your life, go to a car lot – they will give you free soda, snacks, and oodles of attention! I didn’t play it that way though… down to business. I find the rookie, weeding through the others and the introductions along the way then walk up to him and introduce myself. I tell him what I am looking for, and we walk inside. While inside some other sales guys start making comments, “she is looking for a car, but she came in here because she thinks were good looking….” I took the opportunity, how could I not?! I smiled and said in my awful squawky voice “ yeah you guys are so smoking I just couldn’t stay away!” Needless to say they were stunned, and we bantered for a little bit ending with me saying “If your going to be a smart alek, be a grown up enough to take it as well as you give…”

So then me and rookie were on our way, we looked at a bunch of cars, I had him take me to the very back, I am not even going to play like I can afford the cars in the front – I am not interested in financing anything until after my education is completed. I find about 5 cars I am interested in, I found out later they just were not going to work. He takes me back inside and tells me he wants to see if there is anything else… Waiting at a car dealership is like waiting at the doctors office… ANNOYING! Well he tells me he has a Chrysler Concord, well I have an aunt who has one, and they love it… so I say “sure, I’ll look – but not really a Chrysler girl….” He pulls up in a Ford Contour! Ok so correct me if I am wrong but WHAT?!? What part of Chrysler and Concord did he get wrong??? I told him, there were only two cars my mechanic ever mentioned NOT buying and that was half the list right there… After refusing I had nearly 4 sales guys trying to convince me…. *cracking knuckles* so I wanted to show off a little…. Hey c’mon, they had been treating me like a helpless female all day – why not? Take em on one at a time, they said stuff like “That is a great car, low miles, you can’t beat the deal! You cannot find anyone selling this late model for this price anywhere else, this car is mechanically sound, its clean, the color is maroon – don’t you like maroon?” You can see where this was going… ha ha ha, so I start with, “ I buy my cars when they are fully depreciated, which means that there is approximately 70-80K miles on it, the car I want is going to have to mechanically sound, because I travel quite a bit – and I use it until it just doesn’t go anymore so I am going to be putting about 60K miles on this baby myself. Now a Ford Contour usually runs into a lot of mechanical problems about 75K miles… and things just fall apart from there – and that is if I take really good care of the car, I drive like a granny, and even I wouldn’t touch that. Besides if in about a year I want to sell this car, the resale value is way below what I am looking for. Besides for the price you are asking, you are trying to rip me off… but if any of you would buy your daughter a Ford Contour and send her traveling 1400 miles every few months in it, then stick around and tell me why…”

They were ready to rebuttle everything, well until the last line… I pretty much got no argument, because on their desk, most of them had pictures of little children ( I still think it is a sales tactic to do that… but hey, I’d do it if it worked) None of them wanted to send anyone but me off in that little Ford Contour… So now we talk turkey about another vehicle I drove, that when I got in ( I kid you not) there was a dirty diaper on the floorboard! Hey, I will use it to get my price in the end, so bring on the dirty diapers!

We talked and talked, he told me his price, I told him it was too high try again, he asked what I could afford, and I told him, “something lower than that” so he tried again and missed, and again and again and again.. until BINGO he hit the price I was looking for, but I waited to see if he would go a little lower, and he did… I took that price, with the extra money I could pay taxes on the car. He went in to negotiate with the boss, which meant more waiting for me… its funny when you watch them through the window ( I know you are suppose to sit, but I wanted to see what was going on…) Well the rookie came back and said $5000 is the first price I gave to you and that was rock bottom. I looked at him and said, “well I can’t accept that so I will leave you alone” I mean I was not in love with this car… so no big. Well he was like what about $4000, I said… dude you know my price, I am not budging unless the price goes lower that that. So he got up and said, well let me tell my boss your leaving so he doesn’t ask why I let you go.

His boss, who is endearingly called “Kiwi” (he is from New Zealand) came to see me. Now his accent is adorable, but not incredible enough for me to lay a few thousand extra down for. Well he told me that the repairs to the car would cost too much and that is why it cost $5000, what about financing. I told him no (the car needed the mirrors, cruise control, exhaust work, and was in need of a super detailing, the interior was brown with dirt) He said, “what would it take for me to have you drive that car home today?” I laughed… only because I have heard this line so many times in the last month…. I looked him straight in the eye and said, “Give me the price I want, and the things I want, and I will write you a check for the entire amount right now.” He said, but we cant do that, what about $500 more… I said well have a good day, and I got up. I looked at the rookie, said “sorry, and I will call you about the suburu later, and good luck with the big sale tomorrow.” Shook his hand, and he followed me out, gave me his cell number and told me to call him later about the car and he will see what he can do.

Now I know I sounded like a brat, but seriously it was all a good time, the guys and I laughed ( I mean they get paid to) but we bantered quite a bit. I was off to the mall!

I met Erin and her friend Rachel at the mall, we were on a mission to find Erin some “girl” clothes… I never know why they bring me… maybe just cuz I like to shop, I dunno…. I just love to shop! I know with Erin we are on a time limit, she can only handle the mall for a few hours before wanting to go…. So I get started… let’s just say there was a lot of whining, a lot of lecturing, and some truth’s being revealed… very “authentic community” shall we say. Erin did end up leaving with 3 tops and 2 bottoms… and I was pooped!

Later than night I met Jona, Amy, and Melody at Cheddar’s for some “girl” time! We had fun, and Melody showed up in clothes that Amy made her wear, and she looked AWESOME! Not usually Melody fashion, so hey I gotta comment… we hung out at Cheddar’s had fun, then went downtown and walked around, and then back to my house to watch movies…

All in all a fun fun day, and very little money had to be spent by me! Yay for a fun day! As for the car, I am not too worried, I wasn’t married to it – and was definitely not in love… but I have had two calls already from the rookie at the car lot about the car… I wonder how interesting today may be?

Here is pictures from part of the day: http://www.flickr.com/photos/95145968@N00/?deleted=31170334

I Heart You All!

In a Nutshell

Today was an interesting day… My schedule was as follows:

10am – get up, do some studying, clean the house, get some work done until…
3pm – Erin is coming over to have her hair straightened
7pm – hang out with some friends, relax

What really happened…

SLEPT IN!

11:57am - get woken up by Erin, saying client cancelled, wanna do her hair early?

12:10pm – Erin comes over, Straightening process begins….

5:15pm – Hair processing completed

5:45pm – leave to get something to eat

6:45pm – leave eating place to hang out and find shoes across town

7:30pm – meet Benji at the mall… where is Benji??

7:45pm – still no Benji!!! Wander around the mall

7:50pm – find Benji, Oh Joy! Begin hunt for shoes – visit Penny’s, Dillards, and just about everywhere else….

8ish pm – Give up shoe endeavor, begin looking for hoodie for Benji, go to Steve & Barry’s, Benji tries on 4 pair of pants 5 sizes too big, tries on 2 hoodies, get ready to leave Steve & Barry’s , when I see the cutest pink hoodie jacket – curious to see if it would fit over bosoms I try it on, and with the help of Benji… it looks fabulous! Benji cannot find hoodie, off to other stores

8:40pm – go to Hollister’s – a store that makes a tiny person believe they are a XXXL when they are a medium, disgusting! No luck with Hoodies at Hollisters

8:45pm - go to Aeropastale (spelling?), discover many hoodies on sale…Benji goes nuts, like kid on cappuccino, finally purchases a mustard yellow hoodie with Luguna Beach written across front…. We can go!

8:58pm – booking it across the mall before store closes to get to our cars

9ish pm – make it to the car, decide we need to surprise Melody! Go to Andy’s and pick up chocolate custard with peanut butter cups (one of her fave’s) and go to St. Johns in search of Melody

9:30ish pm – get to St John’s and try to find Melody, look for the elevator to get to 5th floor, floors only go
up to 4th floor…. Take the elevator to 4th floor in search of next transit elevator, run into a janitorial staff who kindly explains the error in our judgment – Phone goes off 3 times, but signal is no good, cannot answer, back down to the 1st floor we go, in search of new elevators that will take us to the 5th floor, finally arrive at the 5th floor, must now look for Melody… turn the corner and there she is, surprised to see us!!!

9:50ish pm – chocolate custard delivery, followed by much giggling, and divo walking, all in all a successful surprise, find out way back out of the hospital maze, stop to take a quick picture in the mirror.

10:00pm – In the parking lot Benji decides he has to go the restroom immediately! I tell him to go, and he bolts off towards the hospital, He returns, we decide to go back to my house and hang out

10:20pm – make calls to everyone to invite them over for a time of “hanging out” everyone is tired, all no shows

10:40pm – Benji falls asleep on couch, Amy goes to sleep… I stay up to play piano

And the rest of the night is pretty much boring, my plans for the day were pretty much laid back… and it was cool that everything ended up the way it did! Erin’s hair looks fabulous, I never found shoes, but Benji found a hoodie! Fun Fun Day!

To see Erin's before and after hair pics, and Benji and my hospital pic, check out my flickr account!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/95145968@N00/?deleted=31170334

I have to post

I need to post, this is a place to share, but the sad part is what I want to share – I cannot, the truth I want to express in my writing, has to remain a secret… which means that the whole shouting how I feel from the rooftops so people can “understand” me, isn’t going to happen … soo I need to post, I gotta post something, here goes nothing:

It is funny, whenever I need to feel like I am at “home” I look up to the sky, I see the stars, the clouds, it is beautiful… it reminds me to be humble, that there is so much more out there than just me, and my problems are indeed solvable, and that my creator is so amazing.

My sister is leaving for New York tomorrow….She is going to be gone until Sunday, I am going to miss her…. Dear Lord, please keep her safe.

Crazy

So I guess the few days have been a little strange for me lately… I have been under incredible amounts of what we I like to call “ crazy stress”. Unfortunately it all came out in the wrong place….

My parents are so incredibly busy, it makes the opportunities to see and talk to them, very difficult or very hard to come by. This in addition to the course of my life, has made the idea of family very distant in my mind. So there is goes, a call or anything from that side of the world is quite a treat, and yesterday I received that unexpected call….

I was finishing up at the chiropractors office, and there I was laying half awkwardly on a table getting my bones cracked, when I hear “buzz, buzz” I was so excited to hear anything other than the cracking of my spine I whined out happily “ITS MY PHONE!” Well the chiropractor made me finish the treatment before leaving, and when I left the office I checked the phone, my heart nearly skipped a beat, it was my father. My head spun into a hundred directions… what did he want, maybe we will get to talk, maybe something happened. I love my father so much, hearing from him in nearly any capacity, even just hearing his voice grounds me, makes me feel normalized, and strangely ok. So I called him back, and he answered!!!! Ok, when your family is on so many different schedules answering the phone is not always an option- so when it happens, sometimes it is so unexpected that your not sure what to say.

My dad asked about my life, my job prospects and so many other things. He explained his concerns with some things, and just wanted to know in general what my sister and I have been up to. Here is where it takes an unfortunate turn… by Wednesday afternoon after the chiropractors appointment I was so weighed down by all the tasks that I needed to accomplish that night before church, I just kinda freaked out. So what did dear ole Theresa do? You got it, she vented… to her daddy – you know, I finally get the opportunity to talk to my dad after weeks, and what do I do??? I FREAKIN VENT!

Seriously, I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about this, and I can hear comments running through my head such as “ Theresa that is what fathers are for” and so on, but it is such a needle in a haystack even to have time with my father, that I feel like I ruined it all… So the next hour was spent just releasing stress right on the person who doesn’t need that extra amount at all. At the end of the conversation, I realized what I had done, and tried as hard as I could to say that things really were alright, my life isn’t all crazy, good things are happening, opportunities are there and so on… for lack of better words I felt like a (you fill in the blank).

So I went home to study, I usually go to a nearby coffee shop, but I did not want to be tempted by the delicate pastries that will make their goal adding inches to my waist. I get home and make some lunch and get ready to study, I open the book, and my mind is so consumed with finishing my studying that I cannot study (ok can we say weird?). So I lay down with my book, and set my cell phone to go off in time to get ready for church. What do I end up doing for the next hour? Another ironicy in the life of Theresa, I fall asleep… I never fall asleep in the middle of the day, its weird and a waste of daylight (in my book). Besides there are three large goals I had set to accomplish that day, and only accomplishing one was not going to cut it.

So when I get up and realize that I have wasted precious time, I am even more upset with myself and rush around hoping to get ready to leave for church early so I can stop by panera and use their WiFi to look up some things online before church. So I leave with an additional 25 minutes to spend at panera. I get there, and I get a phone call….when I look and see, I just smile as big as my face lets me….. it’s Saite!!!

I begin talking to her, and I am telling you a few moments spent talking to her is like a glass of ice water in 120 degree weather…. It is refreshing… See what my best friend doesn’t know, is that is one of her talents… she brings refreshment in her attitude, her life, and her respect. As long as I have known her, she has done that… just by being her. So I told her last night, I told how incredible she was – how much I missed her, how I missed Teri, how life wasn’t the same without her here daily. I told her no matter how much I missed her – I liked hearing that she was happy. I told her I was hoping on seeing her next week during fall break, and that is where the best friend mode kicked in… She told me, she knew I didn’t have a lot of money- and to save it and we will see each other next year… If at any time in my life you could have heard my heart break, it would have been right there… I have never been more than two months without seeing her, and now I have to wait until next year…

I held back tears as she talked about our responsibility to one another and how we have to watch out for each other when you in yourself cannot… and it hurt, dear God it hurt. I talked to her all the way to church, I listened to her in the parking lot at church – we kept talking, because I did not know when the next time I would be able to speak to her would be, and the whole time I fought back the tears that just wanted to pour out of me in desperation… cry out and say how much I don’t care about the money, how much I don’t care about my responsibilities, that in my own selfish desire... all I wanted and would pay all the money in the world for would be another hug from my best friend, but I knew better. I would do anything for my best friend… and I think she knows that, that is what makes it great she would do for me, what I would do for her, and she will not let me do what is wrong for me, just as I wouldn’t for her…

So we called the conversation short after 45 minutes because I was already late for service, and I went inside… repeatedly saying in my head in my heart “more of you God and less of me….” I sat up front with a friend, and I will say the comfort this man brings is incredible. I cried out in frustration to God, knowing that he was the only one who could really understand… I cried out and told him, even in my agony, I will serve him, because life without him would be of utter despair. I told him of my sorrows, and my hurts, and how I was upset of recent events… but in praise brings healing… I left knowing that even though I am sad, I will be ok. For the friends that were there last night, and the last few nights… thank you.

What I want

I really really really really really want to leave! Just go, pack up a car, and just start driving - take my time, see what I want to see... travel to wherever I want to go. and what is stopping me? Responsibility, life, and all that good stuff.... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I want to see my parents, I want to see my friend, I want to see my neice, I want to get away! I want to get away from the stressfulness of this life, where my thoughts are always about beating myself up, what did I do wrong this time, where did I go wrong, GOD HELP ME. I think I say that last line more than any other, and sometimes I wonder if God will ever get tired of me and say, "Yeah you used up your last help me card for the day, wait until tomorrow to have another crisis please." thank the Lord that has never happened. I always feel like I am wrong, about everything - just waiting in anticipation to be right... just once to be right... It is stupid really, but I feel the seasons changing, and I just want to get away. Pack up my family, dog and bird in a dream car, and run to a dream life...

Dear Lord

Dear Lord

Thank you so much for this day. It was beautiful, the temperature was beautiful this afternoon, the sky was clear, and the sunshine a welcome addition to a cool day. Thank you for allowing me to be apart of this day. Lord I am excited at the opportunity to praise you at your house... thank you for such an amazing pastorial staff that really has a heart for ministry. If I can help minister in ways that you would like me to be apart of, please allow those opportunities to be presented.

Please help me find a car dear Lord, it seems to be a futile mission, and I could really use some guidance. Help my body to recover quickly from the accident. Please be with my family and friends as they go through life, watch over them and protect them. please bless their lives. Please give my family the much needed rest they deserve. Watch over and protect Sai and Teri - please bless the bold move.

Thank you Lord for that A I recieved in my class, it was an amazing encouragement I needed... Please help me to finish all the catch up work I am doing. Show me how I can be a better friend to others, and minister along the way.

I love you

Fat Man Walking

Truly amazing... I have in my life time done some crazy things. In perspective, I am not sure how much I really know. Most of the time I feel very inadequate. One day about 2 months ago, I stumbled on a website of a man who felt so unhappy in his life-he decided to take a sabatical from his life and accomplish something that everyone of us have to deal with in one way or another, his weight. This 400lb, 39 yr old man Steve Vaught, is basically taking time out of his life to walk, not just a little jog around the block mind you, but a LONG walk. He is walking from San Diego, California to New York City, New York.

His story, will cause you to form your own opinions on what he is doing. I have been keeping up on his online website, and this week's journal entry was thought provoking. He said:

"I am in the heartland of America amongst some of the most progressive and culturally advanced people that the country has to offer and I was ready to walk right past them because I thought that I knew who these people were before I even got here....."

Now I know the people who read this are thinking "culturally advanced?!!!??" but when you discover why he says this, it has the enormous possibility of being true. Back to the point, How many people do we walk on by because you prejudge them? You already know what that person represents, why bother talking to them.... Horrible I know, but unfortunately true....

To read the latest Journal entry :10/09/2005 - Is Elk City Oklahoma the cultural epicenter of America?
click this link: http://www.thefatmanwalking.com/page/65309/#newest

To read about his story here is the link : http://www.fatmanwalking.com

Steve has walked approximately 1252 miles, and has approximately 1564 to go..... interesting journey.... Feel free to post your opinions about what he is doing on the comments board.

You have been kind and faithful

Dear Father

You have been kind and faithful, thank you. Everyday I wish to thank you for everlasting grace. You have watched over and protected me through out this day, and brought me to a new place and a new time where I have the opportunity to serve.

Life is still tough, but thank you for the words of encouragement you provided through my family. Thank you for the reminders dear Lord. I do often forget that before anyone else in my life I need to rely on you. In times where I feel I need more, I pray that I will always remember to ask for more of you, rather than fill my life with only the superficial nonsense this world has to offer. You know my heart, and so gently and softly you remind me you are there-and to cry out to you in my strife. Thank you the most beautiful reminders of your goodness.

I pray dear Father that you are with my friends and family, that you will bless their lives-and that you will protect them. I pray that any conflicts will find there way to you, and be resolved. I pray for those that need you, to be able to find you – and if I can be used by you, I wish to be. I am sorry dear Lord if I missed an opportunity to serve you today, please forgive me – I am so very sorry… I saw her, and I was not sure, please watch over that her and bring comfort only you can provide.

Forgive me if I was disrespectful or anything that doesn’t represent what your servant should be. I want to be more like you, and I struggle with my selfish desires. Please have these desires, because without you they would mean nothing. I am still hurting and scared dear Father, but I know you are there walking me through, thank you for your patience in me.

You have allowed me the opportunity to be surrounded by such wonderful people, thank you. Please allow me the opportunity to bless them in return. You are truly wondrous Father, your way is truly best. In times of discontentment you have still loved me. Teach me how to follow you more. Thank you for your opportunities. I love you. In your name, Amen

Beauty Within

Beauty lies within, but where does within lie? I see myself over and over again in the mirror. I see-and yet sometimes the woman I see is no longer the woman in me. I see all the burdens, the pain and the strife- I see life’s faults, and they’re never really nice. I see the problems the hurt the pain, I see how my body has paid the price for them. The sins I have committed, or times I have been wrong, have been abuse to my body-my temple of God.

I see my outside so blemished and flawed, I pick out my problems, and dwell on them all. But beauty lies within; at least that’s what they say. So who is the inner beauty, the biggest question of them all, and how can I be beautiful if I am not sure at all.

Where does it begin and where does it end is the question of splendor, the confidence of a woman, is her immortal beauty – her love of God, herself, her man, her incredible humanity, her zest for life, her sense of humility, her never ending mystery, her struggle to fight, her sense of right, her sense of wrong, her inner strength, and everlasting will – it is what makes a woman beautiful when the outside won’t reveal.

She may never divulge the secrets of all that is within, but in her eyes you will see the strength of beauty within. The exquisite depth of all she has to offer, the incredible loveliness that you can’t find in another, the attraction is delicate- the imperfection unique, in those eyes you may one day find everything you seek.

The ability to see the beauty within is a rare gift indeed. The opportunity of a lifetime, combined with a moment of truth, a rare disclosure of things yet to come, and see changes in you. The true love from a woman can never be replaced, once you have experienced her love your memory will recall – the true beauty in the heart of a woman.

~Theresa~

Thank You

Dear Lord

You are so good to me, you understand my needs, and in the moment when I feel most overwhelmed in my life, you allow me to reach out and speak to you and calm the storm in my head. Such a beautiful peace and love you give to me. You answer my prayers in the midst of everything, I cried out for help, and you came… my storm would not stop and when I cried out to hear you, you created such an amazing peace to surround me.

Thank you Lord, for even though my life is very stressful, I have someone helping me to get through. The encouragement you give is far greater than anything I could ever ask for. Please help me in my daily walk to have faith in your will and your way of my path.

So many times I think that I am far happier in one place in my life, and you always seem to bring me to something new and much more exciting. It is those times when I cling onto you for dear life that you shower me with more grace than I deserve.

I do not deserve your grace, love, or forgiveness- but I thank you for it. Please allow me to share what you have given me to others through actions and words. Lord sometimes my tongue is unkind, and often I have to ask for forgiveness. Help me watch those things in my life. Thank you for your forgiveness, and mercy. Thank you Father, for calming the storm, and creating a peace around me. Please watch over and protect my family and friends, I love you, goodnight.

Dear God

Dear God

Help me… please, just help me. My heart is broken, and I am hurting. Too many pieces, a million pieces of my heart shattered around me, and where to begin to pick them up I don’t know. Thank you for being the one who can put me back together, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Please hold me and cradle me in your arms because I am scared and frightened… help me to have faith, even just a little that you know what is best.

Hold my hand and walk me through this fire… please dear Lord, don’t leave me, I want so badly to return to the things I know, but I know it isn’t your will. I know I need to find my comfort in you… I will trust you, no matter what in everything I will give you control. Thank you father for hearing my prayer, I am sorry that I come to you with so much hurt, but you’re the only one I know who will help, and understand. Please allow whatever I am going through to somehow bring glory to you.