A complimentary profile...

Well Joe… you requested that I fill this out... so here you go:

Two Names You Go By
1. Theresa
2. Tresla

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Korean
2. German

Two Things That Scare You
1. Being abandoned and alone
2. Failure

Two Everyday Essentials
1. God
2. Family

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Red Tank Top
2. Black Pants

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists
1. Ella Fitzgerald
2. Lauryn Hill

Two Things You Want in a Relationship
1. Love
2. Honesty

Two Truths
1. Not everyone will love you, but you can always love everyone
2. Rejection hurts

Two things You Hate
1. People leaving without saying goodbye
2. Ignorance

Two physical features that appeal to you
1. Eyes
2. Lips

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Working Out (just discovered how fun this is!)
2. Looking at the stars

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. A university degree
2. To find prince charming

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Europe
2. Fiji

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Get married
2. Record a CD…

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. I love to pamper myself (nails, hair, baths, ect…)
2. I love to go shopping

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I had horrible 80’s hair… no really, I have picture – it was bad…
2. (I need more time to think for #2)

Two people I would like to see take this quiz
1. Saite
2. Melody

Caffeine oh Caffeine

Caffeine…. Eeeeek! What it does to me, I always seem to forget… I have a script to write!!! 25 pages of genius, by Wed night at 11:59pm, what do I have? Nothing! So I decide hey I will just caffeinate myself to pull an all nighter. I am regretting it now, I am so flippin jittery I do not want to stay still, my tummy is doing flip flops… I really wish I had an elliptical machine right now, I could think and burn off the energy in the process… EEEEEK the blog seems to be my only vent right now….. GRRR Caffeine, the jittery drug…. Why oh why did I caffeinate myself….

Caffeine oh Caffeine the energy of man
Why oh why have you done it again
One cup of coffee, so harmless and small
Has subdued my creativity
And makes me want to jump off the wall…

Caffeine oh Caffeine the energy of man
When oh when can I think straight again
Just a moment of clarity, a moment of peace
Is just what I need
In a time like this….

Caffeine oh Caffeine the energy of man
I do not think I will partake in you again
Inducing your oomph, and get-up-and-go
Makes me want to hurl,
My tummy hurts so…

Caffeine oh Caffeine the energy of man
Will I fall into the trap, and relapse again
In a moment of weakness, I may return…
But believe you me
Energy I will burn!

Hee hee… hopefully this corny rhyme I just wrote will help me focus more, for all of you who know the effects of small doses of caffeine have on me… well lets just say it was more of a “larger” cup of coffee…..

Scared to Life

Death… a looming word that has consumed my very being for countless years, many a sleepless nights was dedicated to the power that this one word held in my mind.

Worry and doubt are all too familiar words when it came to my sleep routine. At night when you are all alone with the millions of thoughts that finally have a chance to breathe and move why is it that these two words held the most power over me? Even in my devotional time, a time that should have solely been spent with my Lord, was interrupted by thoughts of my own selfishness.

It is easy to say that it was an attack to have me question my very existence and my meaning to the Lord. In that idea, however – shouldn’t those thoughts be just as easily comforted by the fact that the Lord has his hand on my life? I question even the simplicity of blaming it on an attack.

There are times in your life when you must grow… I feel like I wasted a lot of time refusing to change, and refusing to be grown. These thoughts of death, and the horror of how it might occur, the thoughts of being left behind if the rapture was to happen, the thoughts of how people in my life view me, and the thoughts of what everyone else was doing – was indeed apart of my own selfishness. To be confronted with these problems late at night, is for me perhaps a sign that I have not taken the time out of my day to take care of them.

I have heard it argued that, “if you believe in the Lord, you should not worry…” If I was to compare myself to that standard, I would be even more screwed up. Furthermore, if that statement is correct – how many Christians worry… well I am going to venture a guess to say EVERY ONE of them, so where does that leave us? Faithless, sorry, and ever repentant of not being able to “cast all our cares upon him”… yeah so that totally sucks.

Over the last year, I have been growing in a way that has been different than any other time in my life. The Lord has been using a lot of my past “lessons” in practice, while teaching me new ones to remind me constantly that he is there, and in control.

In April, I was in utter turmoil about where my life would be headed- fears that haunted me late at night still remained. I moved back to Missouri – and discovered an entirely new life waiting for me when I returned. Over the next several months, I was “forced” to face fears head-on, in a way that my heart felt unimaginable. Every week was another fear… my fear of water, fear of falling, fear of trusting others, fear of letting people in, fear of money, fear of losing… I could continue on for a long time. The significance in facing these fears was the subtle way the Lord had it planned out… tailor made just for Theresa Marie…. The struggle was overwhelming at times, but the silent victory was glorious.

As time continued I realized my nights of worry, doubt, and fears of death began to slowly fade. You could compare it to the drenched wool on dry pavement – but I see it as so much more. The Lord knew me, he understood my struggle, he alone saw that I needed to trust him more. Instead of just demanding it to be his way – he used patience and life lessons, made just for me… In understanding this, this is what I see, “if the Lord took the time to teach the lessons made just for me… truly there is no reason for me to worry or doubt.” With his grace, love, and forgiveness he took away the sting that death represented to me, with his peace and understanding he walks me through the worry over and over, and with his power and encouragement shows me there is no reason to doubt.

This is not to say, that the fears do not return… it is to say that my reaction is different. I still deal with fear, Psalms 27:1-2 offers much encouragement. As a recovering scaredy-cat – I must try, if I fall… get up and go again – it is not the attack that I should be concerned about, it is being prepared to stand and knowing in the Lords strength there will be victory

The war of the mind

I have decided for every one bad thing that goes through my mind – I shall in return determine two positives.

It is not easy to love and remain positive in a world so full of negativity. I saw a movie last night that was and still is very thought provoking. To me the movie was about the struggle of mankind to determine their place in this world. It is strange that we struggle so much to be included in some master scheme of life, when in truth we have already been participating in that scheme. It is the realization of what we are worth – that is the struggle.

Can our self worth become so wrapped up in the view of how other people perceive us – that it taints the very belief of who we are. Is it the responsibility of another to provide that realization for ourselves. I believe this is one of the many reasons why the Lord has always wished to be apart of our lives. He wants us to realize that our self worth should not be determined by any mortal, but in the Lord alone. I believe that the Lord helps plant people along the way not only to encourage you, but for you, in return encourage others. Unfortunately, I as a human often rely on the encouragement that the Lord uses others to bring – and sometimes become careless in relying on the Lord for who I am.

Thank the Lord for continuous forgiveness, mercy and understanding. I do not wish to look for my self worth through another’s eyes. However, I still struggle with those things. Where is the line between encouragement and relying on humans? There are books and material to help find your “purpose” in this world, and where you belong. I am tired of looking for my “purpose” as if it was some divine answer that will come to me in my sleep. I have decided instead to make the choice of obedience. I will continue to serve and do what I know to be right, ask for forgiveness, and when the Lord asks me to do something – I will try and be obedient. I believe that while it may not quench the every continuing thirst for purpose in life, it provides me with a sense of a direction on a foundation that I know will not falter.

Retiring

I am so tired…. so incredibly tired of it all… but I will continue – keep going with a smile on my face and a prayer in my heart, for those of you who know me, please pray for me….

Life is full of ups and downs
Facing life without looking around
Eye on the prize a goal in my heart
Keep on going, never straying too far…

The hurt is real, the pain is immense
The peace of the Lord is the only comfort I have
It should always enough – so why do I desire more?

Always wanting what I think I need
Always thinking that if I believe hard enough… life can change
I alone cannot do it all, yet one makes a difference… well so I recall

Standing alone makes the tasks hard
Learning to forgive with love is what will conquer all
To ask for forgiveness is the greatest task
The rejection that could follow is the emotional reality

Continue on refusing to be bitter when the cup is passed around,
Seeing the positive and seeing the beauty,
Believing in change, and the promise of the Lord-
I will continue on for that is my duty

~Theresa~

This is my last blog on this site for a while, I am not sure when I will blog again… It is time to stop hiding behind the words on this site for people to know who I am – and time to take chances, until blogging becomes a hobby again and not a necessity to express feelings online and not to the person - I believe it is time to let this site go for a while…..

Yes... Maam

When I was young I use to watch old black and white tv sitcoms, and I remember the mom would call out to her children "remember your manners!" Manners.... What's that? A lost art I was sure... Then again when I think about it, I look around and I see it isn't

I have always been taught to call people "Sir" or "Maam" always say "Thank you" and "I appreciate that" and for the longest time I really thought not very many people did the same. I just did not give them the credit, and then today I am happy to say manners are not at all dead....

Today I heard someone use such manners, for no other reason than to be cordial, I heard my younger sisters (neighbor girls) say "yes maam" and "yes sir" when answering to their parents call, I was around young girls who said "I appreciate that" and "thank you" and just treat each other with such mutual respect, my sugarmama said "I love you baby - and gave me a hug... and it warmed my heart.

A smile, a quick thank you can change a persons complete day! Can you imagine that? One word from you can change someones day.... the whole dang day! That same power can be used to ruin a day. I am glad that with powers like that, manners are not dead...

Fairies, Princesses, Ladybugs, and Windy the Bear

So it is Halloween…. Which is my sister’s b-day, she is still sick (poor thing) and I have not been able to get much time out of her to celebrate her birthday yet, but my sister is now 22… which makes me, well old!

Tonight at church we are having something called a hullabaloo, my roommate (Amy) and I are extremely excited about being able to help with this event, in part because we get to be in charge of games and see the bunch of children dressed in their fun costumes and the other reason? Well because we get to dress up too!

So this afternoon I get a call from Amy “Uh Theresa, John Jay called me and wants to know if either one of us want to be Windy the clean air bear for 88.3 radio station tonight, I told him that my roommate and I have spent a lot of time in our costumes… so no, so he asked if I could find someone….” I immediately replied MELODY!!!! Just the other night she was talking about how people do not properly know how to be mascots, and give her a costume and she will show em how to get it done! So I call Melody to make sure, and then give John Jay a call to let him know we know someone who would be willing to be “Windy”…. Apparently if they could not find someone to be Windy, they were going to have Alex do it!! Welcome back to the US Alex, and oh yea please wear this bear suit for our weird holiday! Well it all panned out and Melody at the stroke of 6pm became Windy the clean air bear!

I came to church dressed as a lady bug, complete with wig, dots, antennae’s, fishnets, and red leg and arm warmers. Amy was a spectacular fairy, complete with glitter, shimmer, wings, and a little more glitter! The two of us manned a game called ZAP which did anything but zap, but we handed out soooooooooo much candy! We handed out candy to Yugioh, fairies, princesses, Brittney Spears, monsters, horses, spiders, and so many other colorful inventive costumes… A fun night of outreach, and amazing night of fun… and all in all the Ladybug and the Fairy got to eventually go home and rest…. With that being said, goodnight!