Apology

To those I have hurt or wronged, I am sorry.

Stumbling Bumbling Idiot

Ever find just the right words to say - and then when confronted with the situation that you have countlessly rehearsed in your head ... you blow it?

My life feels like this a lot, especially lately. I keep trying to be prepared for what's ahead, I mean that is what you are taught all your life, to be prepared - so when those "things" come along you are ready for them... I have come to the conclusion that I am overly prepared for all the wrong things and under prepared for well ... just about everything else.

Life is so gosh dang random, and no matter how much you plan - you everyday must risk the spontaneity of being alive and out of bed. Sometimes the most spontaneous thing that will happen to me ... is I find myself alone - even better, I choose to be alone for an evening. I don't mind the phone calls - or writing e-mails, but there is something to be said about spending the evening all by yourself with your dog ... and doing whatever you please. Okay so I know I sound like a 80 year old lady all alone on a truly happening night.. and of course since I am turning err... 23 soon ;) I want to give my time to close out the things of my err... 22 year old life. And of course there are the things I will not even admit to myself!

Here is the thing... 2005 has been one of the roughest years of my life. I have truly gained, and truly lost in so many elements. I do not want to carry my burdened emotions of the previous year into the future... I believe I have given myself enough time to grieve for what I have lost. I spoke to a friend the other day, and we were discussing the matter of forgiveness - and the life of the old person as oppose to the new person we are supposed to be. In the last four months, it has truly been my struggle to cling to what I know I should be - rather than revert to what I once was. I have been doing a horrible job, and barely making it, but I think I am understanding more and more the concept of love and acceptance. This is where I must finally let go of what I "lost."

Several days ago, I listened to a lecture entitled "Character Matrix." This is truly one of my favorite lectures, it is in so many ways the raw truth of the character of man. We desire so much to be selfish, and so often we concentrate on what we have lost ... when what we deserve is nothing. That concept to me is incredibly humbling. When I think over the last few months - often I think "Lord how could you do this to me..." or I think "I have lost my friendships ... the person I am has been rejected... My best friend is gone... Where is my career... Does anyone even understand...?" These thoughts are just a small part of what torments my mind constantly, then I hear this lecture and I fill in the blank "Theresa you deserve NOTHING!" grrrrr!!!! So honestly I didn't really lose any friends, I never deserved them... OUCH!" What I failed so much on - is realizing the friendships that still remain. I have truly been ungrateful to those who are still in my life and not as appreciative due to my selfishness. I seem to concentrate on what I lack, rather than what I have - because the sense of loss seems so great, and such an attack on who I am.

I read this book "Who Moved My Cheese" - I taught a course in it, I gave lectures ... and yet there I am the little mouse that refuses to budge and accept the change because of her stubbornness.... There is so much more ahead, and the person I am longs to remain positive. I need to forgive myself for being such an idiot... I wish so much that the process could be rushed and I would instantly be able to let go of everything - and return to the happy person I once was. Information and life has once again changed that course, and with time perhaps I will return to that place of peace. Not feeling rejected for everything I am, this time I must be more careful. But enough is enough already.... I have mourned the "losses" - it is time to brush off and stand again. If I deserve nothing, then it is time to be thankful for what I have.

To those who have influenced my life good or bad - Thank You, I have learned. To those of you who have encouraged me - Thank You, it helped. For those of you who are still my friend (and family) that have loved me regardless of my downfalls - Thank You so very much. For my parents and sister, what can I say but I love you, and a million and a half thanks, and for those of you who hate me ... watch out - your going to get showered with kindness, because you will be the ones I will have to thank the most for the lessons that will bring me through life.

Vacay Recap

The last few days have been a blur of events. So interesting… I left on Monday to drive to San Antonio – Christmas is almost here, and I think spending it with my family while you have family is important. I was however very reluctant to come down. Here is the thing, San Antonio means work, period. It means you go to the store and you work. If I want to see my mom, I work. It is a sucky reality, and the thought of working during Christmas when I just finished a tedious semester at college just did not appeal to me this year. Then I heard my parents voice over the phone, and the thought of seeing them even at work – brought a smile to my face. Man I miss them… and suddenly I can’t wait to be in San Antonio!

So Monday was a WAY interesting day. First, I made like two trips to the DMV to make my car all legal! Then, I saw two people and got a lot of closure ALL BEFORE 11AM! Felt like a load off my shoulders. By 1pm my sister and I had the car packed up and ready to leave for Texas. The trip was so nice. I forget how much I love having my sister all to myself! Yeah, it totally sounds selfish – but if I had to choose a sister all over again, hands down she would be it! We had fun on the trip – My dog was soooo good this time too! We hit snow in Northern Oklahoma, rain in Central Oklahoma, and ice in Southern Oklahoma…. CRAZY! We got to McKinney about 7:30 that evening, and ran off to the mall in Frisco to find our favorite face wash… on the way back to McKinney we went off roadin a little in my Honda… he he! We stayed in McKinney Monday evening, and it was a little strange for me. The room I use to live in, well that is a student office setting, and the office I use to work in… well remains an office – guess it is just me who felt a little strange for a moment about it. I quickly got over that, and spent time with my favorite aunt and coca cola cousin. That night was rough though, I didn’t get much sleep – and my heart was troubled about a lot of things…

Tuesday, we left for San Antonio! Actually – I ran super dupah late and we didn’t get out of McKinney until like 11:45, my sister wasn’t happy because we had to still stop in Southern Dallas to see my Godmother. Lunch traffic wasn’t bad – and I totally celebrated in the fact that for the FIRST time I turned onto I35SE without a problem! YAY!!!! We stopped by to see my Godmother, and surprise we also got to see our cousin who has been in Korea for like five months. My Godmother looked so tired *sigh* so much I could say about that, but I won’t. We spent about an hour and a half visiting before we hit the road again. On the road I listened to a lecture entitled “Character Matrix” I will get into the significance of that later… I decided 20 miles outside of San Antonio, that since I had the dog we would not stop by the store- but go directly to the house and ride together with my father back to the store. So instead of taking 410, I took 1604…. CAN WE JUST SAY FRUSTRATING??? I needed to be on 1604 for approximately 18 miles, traffic was back to back and grrrrr it took almost 45 minutes to go 18 miles!!!!!!! When I finally exited 1604 to get on I10, I went West instead of East and ended up in Boerne. I was a little frustrated, my poor dog was all anxious, and my sister wasn’t excited about the detour. We finally got home and I was so tired, I just laid on the floor. My dad talked to my sister and I about going to the store, but I started getting loopy – so he called and asked if it was necessary to come in. My mom agreed that it would be best if we stayed at the house, SCORE! I went to bed early about 11pm… nice.

Wednesday, I slept in – Traveling wears me out, I shouldn’t be such a wimp… can’t seem to help it though. My mom did wake me up at 3am though to talk a bit about my Godmother (her sister), I tried to stay awake – resistance was futile ;)! I spent part of the morning on the phone with my best friend Sai, and then the rest of it was spent trying to repair my lap top. We finally left the house about 2pm to go to the store to help my mom. EVERYTHING in the store is different! It makes me smile to know my mom is finally putting things together the way she wants – makes me proud that she invest so much work into her passion. Hannah and I spent a little time catching up with the employees and then we both got down to business. I went to the office to make some calls to our contractors and advertisers, and Hannah did her thing on the sales floor. When mom and her friend got back from lunch she put me behind a register. I will tell you now – it is strange to be the trainee after you have been the trainer so very long. He he he, I felt so lost… it made me just work harder! Five minutes and it all came back. On top of that my mother’s friend had a 13 year old girl at the store bored out of her mind. She ended up spending the next 3 hours playing with my ipod, pda, and my phone! When she got tired of that, she followed me around the store and helped me price new jewelry. We close early on Wednesday’s so at 6pm we started turning off the lights to get customers to go home -because at 7:30 there was a Christmas Party for the employees of Serendipity at the Macaroni Grill! The Christmas party was a blast. 18 people at one long table, just laughing it up. It was so fantastic to see everyone and catch up. I splurged and had a little caffeine tonight… so I was definitely part of the entertainment. Pictures of the Christmas Party can be seen on my flickr site. We got home finished up some last minute business. I spent the rest of the night trying to rid my computer of it’s ickyness and now it is like 1am I wanna go to bed, but there is a 13 yr old in my bed… so off to the couch I go…

So this is a brief recap of the last few days… I didn’t get to see my mom much which pretty much sucks, but I will always have Christmas day!

All the pictures I am taking of the Christmas Vacation are on my flickr site… all taken with either my camera phone or my PDA…. Here is the link http://www.flickr.com/photos/95145968@N00/?deleted=31170334

One down... two to go!

Done! Thank God Almighty FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finals are done! I passed this semester, one grade was slightly dissapointing, but I will live! Two more semesters left.... I wrote my last script yesterday, sent it in and I'm DONE! I am rambling, but those of you who get a tiny respite from school can relate to my excitement! *sigh*

Thank you Lord for letting me make it through this semester, you truly were my strength when I was weak, and even when I wasn't. You brought me through when all I could see was the impossible, this victory totally belongs to you - not me. I love you so much YOU ROCK!

WOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Mr. errr Ms. Lonely?

So during the holidays… I find myself getting lonely – I mean as if life isn’t already predisposed to making us feel incomplete without the “other half” but the holidays just increase the desire to have someone to spend it with. I found myself thinking the other day about previous dating experiences – and what I discover is, I wish I could take them all back. It is strange really, but on so many levels I wish I could have that time back and just be naive and unseasoned about certain things, I think dating is one of them.

If I had never dated, would I really understand what I would be missing? Would I be so cynical now about the representations of love, and the truth of their existence? Would it be easier for me to look at the idea of love and not be so practical? How much would I take away? My first kiss? My first heartache? How naïve do I want to be?

I was talking to a friend the other day, and I expressed my disappointment in my cynicism. He said to me “I don’t think your cynical about love per say – but cynical about how the media portrays how you are suppose to express your love” I agreed with him. I would much rather watch the commercial about the money pincher who orders a large popcorn and his girlfriend is ecstatic - than the jewelry and Lexus commercials where it takes diamonds and expensive cars for love to ignite. If I wanted my love to be bought, that could have occurred a long time ago. (this isn’t to say that if he wishes to express his love in these ways- I would not be upset, but I want to be certain love really exist)

I suppose my real cynicism lies in this. I do not believe anyone could love me enough to think of me before themselves. Perhaps this is small minded of me, but in the 26 years I have been alive I have never met anyone who has looked romantically at me without the shadow of themselves being cast in the way. I don't want to give my heart to someone who cannot return the same affection. It may be selfish of me to request that, but I see it all around me. I do not wish for the other person to forget who they are for me, I just don’t want to be the consolation prize.

If I was to take away all of my dating perhaps I would look at life more romantically and less practically. Then again, because I dated, I am even more certain of what I do not want.

Friends from this summer discussed dating quite a bit. Some believe that God will bring you the one and then reveal it to you, so there is no reason to date – Others believed that dating is the only want to test the waters and try – Then there were the others who weren’t sure and let society dictate the social acceptable sense of dating with a Bible twist… I fall into various parts of each of these categories. While I believe God will bring the right one along when it is time, I do not believe we should sit around and be lazy waiting for the skies to open up and reveal that person to us. We should be taking an active role in developing the person we should be, and when someone comes along, discover who they are before leaping in.

This brings me back to the loneliness of the holidays. I wish I could tell you that even being educated makes the circumstance any easier – but it doesn’t. I would love to say that my Christmas wish is to have my future man waiting next to the Christmas tree with a cheesy bow tie, but honestly that probably won’t be happening. I am trying to be careful this holiday, which includes New Years and my birthday, because it would be easy to find a temporary fix. Someone to use as your personal emotional holiday teddy bear, and then after New Years – when you realize it isn’t right what do you do? I am going to repeat this for myself NOT A GOOD IDEA! I think if I say it once an hour, it just might begin to sink in. This holiday – I am going to try and concentrate on showing my friends and family how much I appreciate and love them. If I can remember my appreciation for them, perhaps the holidays won’t be so “lonely” after all.

Thank You

Dear God

Today I felt like a failure, I told you it all…. Thank you for hearing me, thank you for the encouragement, thank you for loving me enough to do what you did, thank you for whoever still cares, thank you for incredible roommate and sister, and thank you for helping me… I am sorry for being so upset. I love you so much – thank you for letting me know you are still around and you love me… I love you, you truly are amazing!

Theresa

Failure

I feel like a failure, every part of me feels like a failure. Why do I even bother anymore? I thought I found a solace… questioning that too. Want to run away, stupid conscious – can’t do it. The same stinking battle over and over – if I was to get graded on this one I would get a D– a “D-” for passing, but just barely making it. Story of my life it seems, can’t seem to get past this one, not seeing the positive, and trying so hard…

Five Weird Habits... & one to grow on!

The rules: if you get tagged, you must post an entry listing 5 "weird habits" that you possess. Then, you must pick 5 more people to tag, and list their names at the end of the entry.

1. I always lock the front door after coming in the house
2. Every time I shower, I must shave my legs
3. Sometimes my dreams are in Korean, and I wake up talking to everyone in Korean
4. I baby talk my dog
5. When I am really tired, I am fearless – and I giggle A LOT
6. After my sisters first new performance, I always feel like cooking


Ok, people who are tagged- Saite, Brenda, Josh, Shyanne, Anita

the power of posi

You ever have one of those days where you feel like everything you do is wrong? Yeah well it is only 12:32pm and I feel like that right now. It is one of those insecure moments in your life when you feel absolutely everything is spinning out of control. Like you know something is going to happen, and you don’t know what…. GRRRR. Mind you, I won’t allow this feeling to go on very much longer – but I did want to take the time to acknowledge that I feel like crap today, and that feeling well it ends now!

So here goes some positive stuff! My sister is in a play *sigh* can I just spend a few minutes going on about how proud I am of her? I will, cuz it’s my blog and I can!

I am so incredibly star struck by my sister… Yesterday I walked into Craig Hall on Campus, and there she was! A poster of my sister with like 8 pictures of her in full costume on it! Such a beauty my sister! Sometimes I wish I just had one ounce of her passion, she is an individual who takes care of her needs, but still respects others while demanding respect for herself. She knows what it takes to get things done, and when she cannot go any longer - she continues to push herself through until her goal is accomplished. When I took classes in the Theatre department at MSU I heard countless times “If you truly have a passion for something, no one can ever tell you ‘no’” I saw this as a main way to let the students know about the rejection their field of choice will place in their way… that you will be rejected often because of your looks, and not your personality… So much emphasis is placed on that, and my sister? Well, she has overcome so many obstacles to be in the place she is now. She is the first Asian to graduate with a degree in Musical Theatre at MSU! She has played roles, and nailed them when people still questioned her passion. She has overcome the ridicule that parts of my family have placed on a major such as Musical Theatre, and has never tried to justify what she does – she let her actions speak… My sister gives up so much for what she loves, time is an example, (OH SO MUCH TIME) there are months where seeing her is nearly non- existent, and yet she is still such a hero to me. I think perhaps my favorite part of my sister is her humanness… stuff only a sister would know, she is not perfect, but has never claimed to be. I love her so much! Thank you Lord for blessing me with a sister like mine, please continue to open doors and bless her!

Yesterday I received compliments from nearly EVERY professor about the quality of my work. Many of you do not know this, but I am horribly insecure when it comes to certain parts of my creativity. I do not like to share it for fear of ridicule. For me writing (actual creative writing with plots and so forth) is a large one. I mean it is sharing your imagination with someone who is going to grade you on it… scary stuff. Well that particular professor told me she loved my script, and could see everything in her head!! That script haunted me forever, and to get a response like that, well it made me feel incredible! In my management class, I had to do a presentation – and after my presentation was over… she told me “You are a great public speaker!” That particular comment made me feel like a million bucks, I was starting to wonder if I had lost my touch after what happened in Media Theory class earlier this semester… Then, my Theatre professor told me that I have a good grasp of gradation… I HAVE BEEN WORKING MY BUTT OFF ON THAT! I know there are only 3 days of classes left in the semester, and the possibility of hearing all of that on the same day may never happen again…. But for that day, I felt so good that something I worked so hard on, payed off in a positive way! YAY!!!!!

Question of the week:

True or False: A chocolate bar contains more caffeine than a cup of coffee?