Dedication

So for the last few days I have been asked by a friend to count the profane words in the movie "Wedding Singer" with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.

Tonight, finally I get around to doing it. Well after midnight, and there I was flipping through my DVD marking the time marks that I find a profane word pop up on me. This is up there on the list of strange things I will do under the request of a friend...

It is done, it is nearly 2:30, and I am ready for bed... goodnight!

A rose by any other name....

Elisha and Sandor have brought up a great topic... and Shakespeare wrote it best when he said, "What's in a name, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet...."

I find the meaning of names interesting. I question at times though, is the name you have what defines your character? I have two names, a Korean name and an American name - so I looked up the meanings of both on this site http://www.bostonuk.com/names/default.asp

Now the meaning on that site is slightly different than others, for instance when I looked up my name about a year ago it meant "peaceful ruler, harvester of sorrow." So I am curious to see how the meaning of an individual's name changes depending on the Origin.

Here is the outline of my American name:

Theresa: Reaper : Greek
Energetic and courageous you stand up for your beliefs and for what you desire. You are independent, strong willed and fiercely competitive when needed although your ambition is tempered with patience. You maintain a positive attitude and with a more organised or practical approach to life material success is very likely. Your immensely loving and generous nature brings joy into peoples lives and ensures your happiness.

Marie: Bitter : Hebrew
You are both a visionary and a realist able to bring your dreams into a tangible form. Pioneering and ambitious you accept new challenges and the responsibilities which go with them willingly. Your sound judgement, resourcefulness and positive nature means that your progress in life is assured. Certainly your kindness and generosity to others and your inspirational manner attract success as well as many admirers.

Last Name
Charming, poised and sociable you need peace and harmony around you and always seek to create a happy environment. Perceptive and with strong intuition you are able to make sound judgements. You show great flexibility in attitude being open and responsive to the needs and opinions of others. This ability gives you potential for success in business dealing with the public. Your warm personality and caring ways ensure you are loved by family and friends.


.... and now the outline of my Korean name:

SunYoung
Your calm manner and maturity belie a fierce determination to be at the top where you can exercise authority and get things done. Although somewhat of a rebel you attract much support through treating others with kindness and friendship. You have a broad scope and are naturally drawn to travel or projects which can expand your knowledge and understanding. Your talents and generosity bring you emotional and material contentment.

Yim
Balanced and fairminded you possess the ability to use sound reason and judgement when determined and decisive action is required. Persuasive and logical you tend to be an influential figure in your circle of friends and associates. You are extremely adaptable and this is necessary as you seem to be continually being presented with decisions of a life altering nature.

It is interesting that a lot of the characteristics outlined in these meanings are that of a positive nature, I am more interested in the shall we say "character flaw" meanings of a name. So if anyone finds a website with both the good and bad characterstics of a name, let me know. I am curious to see if those characteristics are correct as well, and while your at it, look up your name and post the meaning... see if it is an accurate depiction of your personality!

Car Accident

I suppose I need another venting moment, and perhaps through this blog of mine people are going to think that I am a very angry person… but this day’s circumstance is unusual so frankly I really don’t care. I am upset, annoyed, ticked off, frightened and about a million other emotions that just will not settle.

This morning at 2:05am I was driving home from the south side of town, I was heading North on West Bypass, and getting ready to go through the intersection of West Bypass and Sunshine. As I drove through the intersection I look to my right and see a car heading straight for the side of my car, I reacted quickly, took a hard left and hit the gas so that if I was hit I would be hit from the rear and not the side and be pushed down the road. I released from the pedals after the impact until I could regain some control of my car.

I am glad I did because when he saw me, you could hear him slam on the breaks and he steered left to try and avoid me. The impact with no reaction would have turned my small car and possibly hit me from not only the passenger’s side but the driver’s side as well. It could have been bad….

Well thanks to the grace of God my car was hit on passenger rear side, and I was able to get out of my car, shaky and sore…. my toes were the only thing bruised up. Also, luckily Sandor was able to come and take pictures and see if I was alright – I am incredibly grateful for this especially since it was so “late.”

While I was waiting for anyone to show up, the guy who hit me had a quick conversation covering the events. I should have taken out my palm to record the conversation so if he decided to change his story to the police officer, I would have proof of what actually happened. He also made quite a few calls while I called 911. Shortly after the calls another vehicle shows up and three females come out. One is his sister, the other his roommate and then someone else…. They pull out their cigarettes and start smoking it up. As if the situation was not crazy enough, here they were puffing away, cussing up a storm and all I could think of was that I wanted to curl up in a little ball and hide… I just wanted to go home and fall into my bed and cover my head and hide, Instead I stood there trying to be respectful of the space we were sharing…and just prayed for understanding under my breath.

It took a half an hour for the police to show up. When the police officer showed up, he asked the guy who hit me what happened. The guy sang like a canary, saying everything from “ I was not watching the road, I didn’t see the light turn red, when I looked up it was red, I was looking at gas prices…..” I just stood there still shook up, feeling a myriad of emotions, and thinking “at two in the morning, you were watching everything else, but what you are suppose to watch when you drive a car that could fatally injure someone else….” I was, however, very relieved to hear him tell the officer through his confession it was all his fault.

The officer came to me and asked me what I wanted to do, I asked “what do you mean?” He said, “well if I write a report, someone is getting a ticket, I did not see the accident, so it is up to you.” Then I looked up into the eyes of the guy who hit me, those eyes were pleading for me not to write a report. In that moment of wanting to be understanding, and believe that the goodness of humanity somewhere still remains in strangers… I wanted so much not to write the report, I had to think. I believe the officer saw that, so he told me he would give me a moment to think about it, and walked away.

I thought of what had happened to Melody earlier that month where she, out of the goodness of her heart just exchanged information and the guy skipped town. I thought of the three times my sister has experienced a life threatening hit and run. It wasn’t enough to convince me still though, until I heard the guy say to his sister “I am not sure I renewed my insurance…” Still I was not sure if I could give this guy a ticket, I mean he was genuinely sorry. This was a moment I was again incredibly grateful for the voice of reason Sandor provided.

Soooo as if all this was not enough, the officer came to me and told me there was an issue with my tags, apparently when I changed my plates everything got screwed up…He showed me what my other license plate number should be, and it was my old license plate number (you following this?) I was like “hey my old plate numbers!” He smiled and told me to go to the DMV and get this all fixed up. I asked him then, “ If I ask you to fill out a report what is the likelihood that I will get a ticket?” (the reason I ask this, is because like an idiot, I cleaned out my glove box earlier that day and forgot to put my insurance card back in-I could have been ticketed for not having it, but I did have proof that I did have some [thank you Hannah!]) He said, I am not going to write a ticket for two opposing charges, apparently the other guy did not have a current insurance card or proof at all (another red flag!) I asked if he would go ahead and write the report.

The officer helped us trade information, told me the report would be done and processed in approximately five days, and let me be on my way. Sandor followed me home to make sure I got there safely, and I text my other friends since it was nearly 4am before we got to leave. I praised the Lord for keeping me safe, and stayed up for another hour to try and calm myself down.

So here I am later today, completely upset….why you ask? Well for starters I called his insurance company and hmmm HE LET HIS INSURANCE EXPIRE! HE IS NOT COVERED! I AM INCREDIBLY AGGRIVATED! I am not sure what to do, I don’t want to use my insurance-then my rates may go up….. I shouldn’t be so critical, but how could he drive like an idiot when he knows he doesn’t have any flippin insurance? Ok a smart idiot (oxymoron right?) would have thought “gee I don’t have insurance…..maybe I should watch all of the big lights that flash my way!”

Moral of the story?! Please please please please please puuuulleeeese be responsible!

Pictures of my car and the intersection
http://www.flickr.com/photos/95145968@N00/?deleted=31170334

And one more thing, pray for understanding on my part. This whole accident has not really set with me emotionally yet…. and right now I am just annoyed that I have to deal with this. So when the emotions kick in and I am a blubbering idiot… I want to be able to remember “God watched over me that day, it could have been worse, and he let my head be clear enough to avoid something horrific…..” So yeah umm please keep me in your prayers….

Cross Roads of Confusion

“R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me…..” Aretha Franklin

A word that has so much meaning, and yet people just don’t understand, so let’s define it shall we?

re·spect (r -sp kt )
1) To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
2) To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
3) To relate or refer to; concern.

Okay, so now it has been defined….Now if I sit here and evaluate many of the friendships and people in my life, do they respect me? Better yet, let us take this one step further and ask… Do I respect them?

I believe I do. I treat people in my life well, if I can help I do it willingly, if I can listen, I do, if I see that they are hurting, I try and help, and if I have found out I have offended, I do my best to reconcile…. So now what? Why am I up so dang late thinking about this word…..Perhaps because I have heard all my life, “To get respect, you must earn respect.” Well if that is true… then what the heck happened?!?

I have very wonderful friends that truly respect me, and my choices, and if I disagreed—well they would “respect” that, and we would still be friends. Then, there are others who are completely disrespectful, who have no regards for my feelings, or for me at all…. So what happened there? I still give them respect, and yet nothing, nada, kaput! I get stung every time, and yet I still return…because some part of me wants to believe that the goodness in “them” will eventually see the true hurt that is caused, and will be respectful in return.

It is so wrong of me to feel this way, to give means to give without ever expecting in return…. I have always believed that, so why in this do I feel so betrayed? What I would like, is to look them in the eye and scream “SCREW YOU!” I will never do that, because as quickly as that emotion comes, I feel conviction of my past disrespectful nature…..

Emotions come in to play in my life more than people think… and with this issue of respect… lah dee dah… here comes the tidal wave of “how do you feel about this?” Here is where things get screwy…. For nearly 5 years I put my emotions away, at the “appropriate time” and guess what? That “appropriate time” well that never really came… So, about 7 months ago I made a commitment to myself to try and feel the emotions I feel there… because that is apart of who I am, and what I want to be.

If I am upset, well dangit! I will be upset, and if I am hurt… I will feel that hurt! This has been a lot easier said than done, and there are times when I fight that old mentality of hiding everything away. There is a great line that I hear over and over in my head when people say I take things too personally… “Whah, what does that mean? If anything, things should begin by being personal…..” from a lady who has lost her passion, and is discovering it again, taking it personal is a choice that I have made. I want to know that if I am hurt by you, that I am confident enough in myself to experience that emotion-and be open enough to share it with you…. Knowing that you may not “respect” what I say in the end……

Emotions, respect, honesty, love, acceptance, honor, loyalty, and I could go on and on. These things go hand-in-hand.

So tell me, if you have been disrespected, do you ever ask yourself “Was I perhaps disrespectful first?” Then what happens….. and if you were respectful, and were disrespected….. what then? This is one of those times I wish I could just stick my hole in the ground dangit!

You can do anything......

So most of my life I have felt at one time or another out of place or just stupid. Now, I can hear my mother saying in the back of my head “ your not stupid, you can do anything you want to do….” For some reason when the information is coming from the most reliable source-one that I should truly really and completely believe it is strange that I struggle with believing it.

So now here I am 26 year later in my life…. Lived, yes all 26 years and somehow those words from my mother still ring in my ears, for now… YES now, I feel more out of place, unintelligent, and more awkward than I have felt in a very long time.

I have claimed Media as my major, Theresa the business girl has claimed media as her major, and I am struggling more than I ever have just to keep up. I already feel so unfitting amidst the younger-aged crowd. Perhaps I should have just stuck to my career plans and stayed in the workforce-rather than going back to school, but there has, for the last few years remained one passion that has always driven me, The completion of my four year degree, not two associate degrees… but one beautiful Bachelor degree. So here I am attending school, declaring a major I haven’t been apart of in nearly two years and climbing this uphill path with all the passion I can muster.

I feel so foolish, I sit in media theory completely fascinated with the ideology that people truly believed that media had no influence on society whatsoever, yet fought as hard as they could to shut it down…… I sit in Theatre set design and stare at the glorious lines of a piece of cloth and see how depth of light is infused by each wrinkle in the fabric (and then inadequately try to draw it) …. I go to media management and finally after a long day of brain beating, I find myself yet again fascinated with the business side of media…. And then the most dreaded and nerve wracking course of all…. Broadcast writing, I am so aware of others and their talent, I often question my own…The teacher discusses old pop culture I know nothing of (and should), I can never be prepared…. And I feel, dare I say it? STUPID!

For someone who is a perfectionist on how her final outcome is, this class is horrifying…. So here in lies my battle, the professor has told the class: “as long as you do the work, in the format I tell you, and turn it in on time…. You get an A, it’s that easy” I wish it was that simple for me, but knowing I have to share work I am unhappy with, and not sure how to fix with others, that is NOT easy… when the emotions I want to express cannot be conveyed in my story- when the lines I work so hard on crush me when I read them… and OH JOY OF ALL JOYS I get to tell a class of geniuses my fifth grade level story, well lets just say the reactions of media students are never as tactful as those of business…. And here I will stay, because this is a challenge, my battle, and my personal success

“Your not stupid Theresa, you can do anything you want to do….” Thank you mom, thank you for saying that to me a million times while I roll my eyes… sometimes it is truly the only words that get me to my next class. I know I am in the right major, because if this was easy – then I would not work as hard to succeed... and success is something I am willing to work hard for……

This is me.... NOT SKIPPING CLASS

For those of you who knew me in times past... you know I was once a professional class skipper, that mentality in the last few years has changed.

Once you start, it is hard to stop. This Monday was Labor Day, and I woke up that morning feeling awful! My head was pounding, my eyes were watery, stuffy nose, ears achy, dizzy, and a sore throat. I took the day pretty easy, watched TV, did some homework, and slept hoping that would ease up because the next day I had school. Unfortunately, I woke up Tuesday feeling the same way (yuck!) so I called all my professors and told them I was sick... well all except one. We had a test in media theory, and the teacher DOES NOT under ANY circumstances do make-up exams; sooooo I ended up dragging myself to class, and a pre-class group meeting.

Finally, when I had the opportunity to speak to the teacher I explained I would be leaving right after the test. She (the Dianne Keaton look-alike teacher) said, I am moving the test to Thursday *SIGH* She said, you sound awful, go home - I will give you credit for showing up! You know, I never thought I would ever see the day when a teacher sends a student home for feeling icky... it was a complete blessing.

Well the rest of the day I spent studying at home, and doing some chores... I cannot figure out why it is that when I am sick I am so convinced I have to move around and keep busy. I mean I should be resting! So there I was with one complete day of "relaxation" and the next day I spend 6 hours at the library studying for Thursday's classes.... So today (Thursday) I wake up feeling so much better... my throat is not as achy, my head stopped pounding, my eyes aren't as watery, my ears do not hurt as much! I only took vitamins and honey (I did cheat last night and took 100mg of motrin though... that made me LOOPY). Well I wake up, and think... *sigh* I am feeling so much better, I wish I could skip class..... an ongoing battle I swear! I knew better though.Why did I know better? Because missing Tuesday already spoiled me, even though the reason was completely valid. Because I had a test in Media Theory, a drawing due in Theatre, an amazing lecture in Media Management, and a killer (as in hard!) synopsis due in Media writing.

So this is me.... not skipping class.... talking about skipping class.... wish I was skipping class.... and completely not going to do it! GRROh yes, and I forgot to mention the ultimate temptation, my first professor released us waaaaaaay early from class, that gave me a three hour window before my next class.... Oh the humanity!!!!

This is my empty class after early dismissal.. with my lonely laptop in the corner

In Pursuit of a Dream

A few weeks ago, school started- I sooo was not ready for the changes that were going to happen….. You know that feeling you get when you know something good is slipping away to create room for a new challenge in your life? School feels like that to me.

For the first time in a long time I know what I want, and while some may call me a professional student, or indecisive. I know why I have been in school so long. I know the opportunities I have already been offered, tried, and turned down to pursue something that I want!

While that passion has been sparked, it is still difficult to feel “old” and pursue a dream, but I would rather continue that, than live with a lifetime of regret and what if’s. I feel that at my age, I should already have the career that I so desperately wanted-achieve the goals I wanted….. funny how life turns out you know?

The challenging part is the classes, I am use to taking 18 credit hours a semester, and this time I am taking 12, and yet this semester is one of the hardest I have ever had to face. It is challenging me in ways that I haven’t been challenged in a long time.

Essentially I usually have about 5-10 minutes to put together a presentation for the class, and have to present it and then am openly critiqued, now usually this isn’t a problem-however the presentation is always about some personal work that is being done like my personal writing, or my imagination…. It can be nerve wracking. My art work is on display as well…. I usually do not share such personal things with anyone, and yet there it is for everyone to openly critique. A stretch for me a huge stretch! Thank the Lord there is one management class, somewhere where I do not feel quite as foreign…

So I have calculated it and there is 13.5 weeks of school left in this semester, at two days a week that is 27 days of class…..approximately 162 hours of studying left…. *theme music* “I will survive… hey hey hey!”

Shout out to a best friend

It has been almost three weeks since my best friend Saite has left, I miss her more than I think she could ever imagine. It is funny that now she is gone I don’t remember all the huge things we did together as much as I miss the daily stuff. I miss calling up at 3am for a Wal-mart run, or talking until sunrise to find out that I had been talking to myself for like the last hour of the conversation! Running errands to pay bills, talking each other out of the latest impulse buy, cooking nights at my house, while she talks about taking all my secret recipes, shoe shopping, pouring my heart out to each other over cups of tea and hot chocolate, watching Teri dance in the living room for hours. For nearly eight years she was apart of my life everyday, and has become a sister more than a friend- the last few weeks have been rough without her, but when she calls and she sounds so happy, it makes me excited for her! I hope one day our paths get to cross again, and we can again be connected the way we once were, but until then I will love and support her the best that I can, from where I am……